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• The latest stanza in the ballad of Tomkat: Holmes and Cruise may have already been married by the Church of Scientology while at sea. Honestly, do we fucking care if or when or how they were married? We just want to see Katie take off that fake belly! It's been huge since her 9th week! [R&M]
• Are we the only ones that didn't know the "Larry" half of the Wachowskis — the duo behind the Matrix trilogy and V Is for Vendetta was transgendered? God, Hollywood is confusing. [Page Six]
• Lloyd Grove stuffs a pillow over Keith Olbermann's face after the cable news host derides Grove's poor fluffer, Katherine Thomson. [Lowdown]
• Supermodel Adriana Lima says she's a virgin until she's married. We're still waiting for scientific proof that you can date Lenny Kravitz and Derek Jeter and not have sex with them. [Page Six]
• Madonna maintains youth cred by making obscene gestures in her since-edited music video for Sorry. Alas, flashing all the victory meat in the world can hide disco crow's feet. [Scoop]