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Oscar telecast producer Gil Cates apparently isn't convinced that his threats about acceptance speech length were heeded at the nominees' luncheon two weeks ago, prompting him to enlist beloved actor's actor Tom Hanks in his jihad against overly thankful winners. Hanks stars in the Academy's "An Insider's Guide: What Nominees Need to Know," a DVD offering tips for avoiding the time-wasting sins that might incur Cates' wrath:

On the video, Hanks, clad in jeans and a black blazer, sits inside an empty Kodak Theatre, the Oscars venue, where he warmly offers "some helpful hints to guide you through the moment with wit, flair, creativity or at least with brevity."


The first bit of guidance? Winners must get to the stage and finish their speech all within 60 seconds

"Instead of hugging everyone within a 10-row radius, you might have to settle for a few fast high-fives as you sprint down the aisle," Hanks says.

Next, he suggests that winning teams take the "one for all" approach and designate a spokesman to deliver the speech..

Hanks' involvement in this propaganda film is a little troubling; has the two-time Oscar winner already forgotten the giddy attack of uncontrollable verbal diarrhea (curable only by the impatient swelling of the orchestra and a whip-pan of the camera to the audience) that so touchingly afflicts winners during the most important moment of their lives, or has Cates somehow blackmailed the star into cooperating? No matter, the winners can't concern themselves with that; it's better they go down in an angry hail of tuba blasts than forget to thank their parents, their Chad Lowe, or, God forbid, their agent just because they're afraid Cates is going to kill Hanks' dog.