Remembering Black History Month With Gawker's Special Correspondent for Brown-People Issues
Did you think we'd let Black History Month go unmentioned? No way, not us. OK, well, actually, we did. But now that February is over we thought it'd be a good time to look back on the month that was. Then we realized we had no idea how to do so. Time to call in Gawker's Special Correspondent for Brown-People Issues, The Assimilated Negro.
It seems TAN, as we much prefer to call him, has discovered an interesting new development: He's identified a burgeoning movement to move Black History Month to a longer, and preferably warmer, month of the year. And if that happens, what will become of February? The answer, says TAN, is obvious. It will be taken over by a group that always likes to take over black culture. Hello, Wigger History Month.
After the jump, TAN's explains the black folks' move and tracks the inevitable rise of the wigger.
And a belated happy Black History Month to all of you.
North of the 96th Street Mason-Dixon line, the hot word of the street is about a powerful movement building to make this the last Black History month celebrated in February. After hundreds of years of oppression, black people in this country want to throw off the shackles of this "cold-ass, short-ass" month, we're told, and move to something "much more appropriate to a people with such an esteemed heritage." The buzz is that black people are targeting May, and possibly even June, as the new home for Black History.
With the vacated month open, a range of minority groups are galvanizing their forces to try to be first into that void. What I'm hearing is that despite heavy competition from "gay cowboys," "bloggers," and "moody magazine editors" — you'd think they'd have been smart enough to bridge their very small differences and mount a coordinated campaign — the Month History Committee is leaning toward awarding February to the "Wiggers." The Committee apparently prefers to maintain some sense of continuity, and many Americans — or, at least, many New Yorkers — don't realize that Wigger History stretches as far back as Black History.
As a preview of what will be taught in the nation's elementary schools during future Wigger History Months, here's a quick pictoral timeline (wiggers prefer their words broken up by big pictures. Herewith, Wigger History: From Lincoln to Federline.
1. The Original Whiggers
Wiggers were originally called "Whiggers," and were introduced to the world via the Whig Party. They claimed political involvement, but that was just an elaborate front for Whiggers to flaunt their love of black style and culture. Notice the tightness of the curls in the wigs, and the ghetto posturing. Raised fingers touching tables were actually the first form of gang signs.
By contrasting a whigger and a slave, we can see that black people, if allowed to color and style their hair, could have looked just as ridiculous.
2. The Grandfather of Modern Wigger History: Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln is considered the Grandfather of Modern Wigger History, not only because of his penchant for a "ghetto" rough-and-rugged appearance when delivering his memorable speeches, but also because he showed love and respect for Wigger roots by freeing black people. Some black folks question his agenda and think he cared more about Wiggers than actual black people, claiming he wouldn't have signed the Emancipation Proclamation at all if he didn't think it would usher Wiggers into a new era of empowerment. But that's neither here nor there, for now. Wiggers owe everything to Honest Abe.
Nowhere are the similarities between Wiggers and black people more striking than in the cases of Lincoln and Ike Turner.
3. The First Black Wigger: Elvis Presley
Elvis Presley — or, as many called him, Elvis Prizzle — triggered the first true Wigger Renaissance. While Lincoln helped create the modern Wigger, Elvis was the first to reinforce the Wigger identity on an existential level. Many people wondered if this Wigger was truly black (especially with the above photo), which sparked a wigger identity crisis the ripples of which are still felt today.
Elvis and Michael Jackson may in fact be the same person.
4. Wiggers Go Mainstream
Vanilla Ice was the first to bring Wiggers and wiggery into the mainstream, specifically targeting the children. He was the first "pop" Wigger, evidenced by the streams of light behind him highlighting his superstar status. For the Wiggers-rights movement, things would never be the same.
Vanilla Ice was the first to flash the official Wigger hand sign.
Fred Durst was the first to fuck up the official Wigger hand sign.
One of the first documented sightings of a Wigger poaching a strong black woman in plain sight.
5. The Comptemporary Wigger Era
Today, Wiggers have an assured place in society.
Wiggers are active...
...and sophisticated...
...and productive contributors to our society.
It is only appropriate their history is studied and respected.
We hope you'll join us next February 1, as an historic march from 125th Street to the Nassau County line commemorates the first Wigger History Month.
[TAN thanks Michelle Collins and Erin Schulte for their photographic assistance.]
