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The British tabloids are doing their best to establish themselves as new 007 Daniel Craig's personal Blofelds, stroking their white cats as they conspire to singe off the actor's testicles with the laser of public humiliation. Cackles The Sun about the latest emasculating mishap to befall Blonde Bond:

New 007 Craig wanted a healthy glow for the movie, but ended up James Burned and now can t stop itching.

A source on the Casino Royale set said: It s driving him mad. He constantly wants to scratch. It s worst when he does a costume change. He is in agony.

He has been moaning to his assistants that he s got prickly heat. He is extremely wary of being outside now. But the nature of filming is such that he is out in the heat all day.

What's the next embarrassment to be heaped upon our hero by the nefarious British press? They've previously reported that Craig's lost two teeth and can't drive a stick, but it will take something truly sinister to top "whines about prickly heat," perhaps something involving a severe allergic reaction to a mixture of wine coolers and feminine hygiene products.