Tom Ford's Girls-In-A-Bed Calculus
Vanity Fair Hollywood issue guest editor Tom Ford didn't insert himself into the magazine's cover shoot on a passing whim. When one shy Canadian sabotaged his original vision for the photo, he performed the peculiar girls-in-a-bed calculus known only to industry insiders, scrutinized the results of the equation, then heroically stepped in to save models Scarlett Johansson and Keira Knightley from a lifetime of bitchy whispers:
The reason he jumped into the shot, he explains in the magazine, is this: "Three girls in a bed is a bedful of girls. Two girls in bed are lesbians." It's not exactly clear what two girls and a gay man add up to, but the signs point to a spike in interest at the very least.
To quickly review the girls-in-a-bed mathematical tables:
· Two girls in a bed = lesbos
· Two girls and a gay designer in a bed = Selfless attempt to save actresses from lesbo rumors
· Three girls in a bed = bedful of girls
· Four girls in a bed = Jerry Bruckheimer's Bad Boys II premiere gift to Michael Bay
· Five girls in a waterbed, one septuagenarian producer popping seasickness pills at bedside, and an English butler trying to figure out the image stabilization function on a newfangled video camera: A Thursday night at Robert Evans' house that resulted in a very delicate housecall to a discreet cardiologist.
We're going to halt the table right there, because we're unwilling to think about the night Charlie Sheen, clutching his Terminal Velocity paycheck, called Heidi Fleiss and whispered, "Send them all."
