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In the name of the Black Table, Mac Montandon dares to chase the dream, attempting to live an entire Manhattan workweek free of charge. Armed with little more than a roster of fake magazines for which he claims to be working (Jew York, DEETS, Ebony & Ivory and Party of One), Montandon manages an entire week of free food, water, shelter and socializing, all courtesy of idiot publicists. Even more disturbing, not a single place questioned him. His swag totals:

• 1 case of Formula 50 Vitamin Water
• Cashmere socks from Brooks Brothers
• 1 box of Powerbars
• 1 BabyBjorn kiddy potty
• 1 Smith & Wesson handgun
• 2 nights at a hostel on 106th Street
• Free drinks at the Hearst sisters' party (plus bonus NYSD appearance)
• Hickory Farms' beef jerky
• Triple Five Soul jeans
• Lunch at the Gramercy Tavern (for his actual gig)
• A thorough examination as a pre-liposuction candidate
• Dinner and drinks at BED
• Easy entry into Marquee
• 2 tickets to Sweeney Todd
 • 1 night at a B&B in Fort Greene
• Red carpet access for a screening an HBO documentary on Tourette's
• Firsthand knowledge of the stupidity of Sheila Nevins
• All-you-can-eat-and-drink beer and pizza at the Chelsea Piers bowling alley
• 1 night at another Brooklyn B&B
• Shabbat dinner at the 92nd Street Y
• 1 night reduced rate at the Hotel on Rivington
• 1 bottle of wine
• 1 box of hand-crafted chocolates
• 1 $160 massage
• 1 copy of the Saturday Times

At press time, pending items Montandon still expects to receive include a karaoke machine, hockey equipment, Trojan condoms, a night at a sleep therapy lab, McDonald's hamburgers and a Canadian bird flu vaccine.

The moral of the story: Don't you ever, ever feel sorry for a single person in the magazine industry.

The Best Things in Life Are Given to You by Publicists [Black Table]