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Wherein we retire to the palace drawing room, press a pinchful of snuff to our powdered nostril, and attend to the impenetrably layered, fugue-like prose of E! gossip maestro Ted Casablanca. In today's masterful blind concerto, Casablanca serenades us with the tale of Vamperella Vein-Pop, who forgoes the love of a commoner for the nobler allure of celebrity suitor Slick Brick. But just when you've heard all the notes before, Casablanca adds a gay-bomb coda to his composition. Douse yourself in expensive perfumes and lace up your tightest corset before succumbing to One Bodily Fluid Blind Vice:

Ted sez: I think we use the phrase drama queen too much. Like, it's totally lost its meaning. Which is too bad, because Vamperella Vein-Pop is, like, the only babe I can think of who seriously deserves to be crowned DQ of Hollywood. (Yep, Ashlee Simpson you ain't got nothing on the wanton one.)

So, get this. Ms. V-P managed to find herself a nice, non-famous boyfriend. We'll call him Rock Helmet. Now, Vamperella wasn't taking Rock to red carpet events and stuff—but he sure was treating her right whenever she got the hardened itch (which was far less than her saucy image lets on). But, V.V-P. is so damn competitive, I bet there's only one guy in the freakin' universe she'd condescend to be seen in public with. Read the item.

You say: Your guesses are up! See them here.