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It's been a couple of weeks since we've hurled the crystal ball against the wall and "read" the shards by crushing them between our palms (sometimes we wish we hadn't thrown out the instruction manual), so serve the right to be even more inaccurate than usual in these amazing weekend box office predictions:

1. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe—$55 million
Two hours of Jesus running a gauntlet of spiked-whip snapping Centurions and being nailed to a cross was probably a little bit too scary to be a great family picture (despite Passion of the Christ's huge take), but make Him a lion and replace those mean Romans with some cute British kids, and now you're cooking with "Honey! Let's skip Church and take the kids to the movies!" gas. At least that's what Disney's hoping for.

2. Syriana—$15 million
With Syriana opening into wide release this weekend, a national audience will finally get full exposure to the Fat Clooney Oscar Machine. And maybe with the extra millions of eyeballs on prints of the movie, at least one person will figure out what's going on in the labyrinthine (inscrutable?) plot during minutes 35-80. (Which, we should mention, didn't really hamper our enjoyment of the film, but we were pretty out of it after the big torture scene.)

3. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire—$12 million
We still think that Harry makes a better Jesus figure than some silly, talking lion. And he occasionally wears robes!

4. Walk the Line—$7 million
Joaquin OscarWatch: Page Six reported today that Joaquin Phoenix ended "a steamy on-set fling" with movie wife Ginnifer Goodwin at the plot-appropriate point during filming. While probably untrue, we wouldn't be too surprised to see the intense Phoenix suddenly marry soulmate Reese Witherspoon twelve years from now.

5. Aeon Flux—$6 million
We've been thinking about this..and we have bitched quite a good deal about Charlize Theron's tendency to obscure her radiant beauty either under mine dust or serial killer prosthetics. So we finally get her in spandex and garter belts (and with dark hair, no less), and we still won't buy a ticket? We're bad people. We blame ourselves, not the studio that made a royal clusterfuck out of the movie. For once.