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Just now, via the time-honored tradition of a sit-down on the Today show, People magazine announced their utterly unsurprising pick of actor Matthew McConaughey for Sexiest Man Alive with Excellent Plugs (sorry, Graydon — maybe next year!). You already knew the outcome of this intense competition, however, because you read it in Page Six last week.

Being crowned the lust object of housewives everywhere is surely the crowning achievement of McConaughey's bongo-playing career, but he should be warned: the top honor from People can be a curse. Take, for instance, the sad fates of past honorees: Mark Harmon (Chasing Liberty), JFK Jr. (dead), Tom Cruise (crazy), Patrick Swayze (Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights), Brad Pitt (saddled with other woman's kids), Sean Connery (crazy), Nick Nolte (drunk), Richard Gere (gerbils), and Jude Law (pudgy nanny).