The Projectionist: "The Fog" Settles Over Cameron Crowe
While you're crossing your fingers and hoping your boss doesn't ask why your afternoon pumpkin latte smells suspiciously like tequila, enjoy these Friday afternoon box office projections of dubious value:
1. The Fog—$14 million
We believe it was the great philosopher-king Wesley Snipes who once said, "Always bet on black." In Defamer HQ, we have our own saying, "Always bet on shitty horror remakes that the studio refuses to screen for critics, fearful of creatively savage reviews." Also, we think it's pretty neat that if you crop The Fog's artwork just so, it looks like a vagina. A vagina of fear.
2. Elizabethtown—$13 million
Has the day when we have almost no interest in seeing a Cameron Crowe movie actually arrived? (Note: We've long refused to acknowledge the existence of Vanilla Sky.) If we get the impulse to go solely out of curiosity, we've promised ourselves that we'll take a deep breath, put on the Singles soundtrack, and listen to "State of Love and Trust" until the urge passes.
3. Wallace & Gromit—$10 million
...Or we'll go see Wallace & Gromit instead. We've never been comfortable with Orlando Bloom playing anyone but an elf.
4. Domino—$8 million
While browsing the grisly accident scene that is the Domino page on Rotten Tomatoes, we came across this review pullquote from the Arizona Republic: "The only defense for Domino, the first-ever movie in a blender, is that director Tony Scott is pioneering a new form of cinema, in which the audience can never focus on a single object for more than a half second." Clearly, this man is unfamiliar with the seizure-inducing work of Michael Bay.
5. Flightplan—$7 million
We almost caught this one last week, but instead went to go see Viggo Mortensen turn some mobsters' faces into bloody pasta salad in A History of Violence. You know, in case you care what we were up to the other night. No? That's the last time we open up to you.