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Tragically powerless to prevent her every thought from gushing forth in the presence of a tape recorder, Tara Reid, Hollywood's own Job in a clingy cocktail dress and stripper heels, falls to her knees, tears at her dark roots, and wails her discontent to the cruel Gods of Fame. Steppin' Out magazine hears Reid's existential meltdown (via Page Six, who quite mercifully ran this excerpt under the headline "Tubby Tara In Flip-Out Mode"):

"How many more years are [the media] going to pick on me? There's other new young bad girls. Move on to someone else! . . . I need one more great movie role so they say, 'Wow, she can act! She's a great actress.' Then I think they'll leave me alone . . . If I'm going to try and do something, it has to happen this year. I'm not stupid." [...]

"People think [I am just a party girl], and it's bull[bleep]," she ranted to Hayden. "I wish they would just tell the truth. I'm not a drunk . . . I don't have a drinking problem. I don't have a drug problem, for sure.

"Listen, if I could get good movies, you would never see me going out. But when there's nothing to do, what am I supposed to do, just sit in my house and go crazy? But going out is not all I do.

"I'm just fed up. I just want a chance again. I want to show that I am an actress . . . I just wish a director would believe in me.

"The gossip reporters know the truth. They know they could write good things about me. They could write I'm a good person who is cleaning up her act. I am getting older, and I want different things in my life. I want to get married and have kids.

"I've had a million publicists, and they've done nothing for me . . . Publicists are supposed to fight for me and believe in me, and they don't do that. They don't!

"I thought 'Taradise' was going to help me . . . I wanted to show the whole world the truth — I'm fun . . . But do I think it was cut like that? No. It could have been a better show . . . I didn't want to look like a total party-girl drug retard. I think the shots they show aren't fair."

Oh, Tara, we believe in you! We believe with ever fiber of our being that you will rise like a magnificent phoenix from the ashes of dubious fame, then immediately soar through an open window at Spider Club, alight on top of the bar, and drink all the finest top shelf liquor you can reach with your beautiful wings. Fly, Tara, fly!