This image was lost some time after publication.

As we watch in surreal replay-horror at the unbefuckinglievable events currently unfolding, we here at Defamer aim to bring you the essential news you need, when you need it:

The votes are in and John O'Hurley has bested
Kelly Monaco to win the "Dancing with the Stars" title many thought he deserved in the first place.

"I'm very rarely beyond words, and I am right now," O'Hurley said after the results were announced Thursday on the ABC show.

In a rematch, O'Hurley and his professional dancing partner, Charlotte Jorgensen, bested Monaco and hers, Alec Mazo. Monaco beat O'Hurley in the July 6 season finale of the show, but the win over the popular O'Hurley prompted skepticism over the voting process.

The victor of the rematch was chosen purely by viewers and co-host Tom Bergeron said the winner and loser were separated by just 1 percent of the votes.

I caught bits of the rematch during commercials for The Apprentice (yo, Donald, I know you're off the singles' market, but you may want to lay off the Trumpburgers and hit the Trumpcercizer once in a while) and I'm still spitting out gritty glitter residue and picking dayglo feathers out of my body hair. Mazel Tovs all around to J. Peterman; with the mindmeltingly tacky trophy now in the hands of its rightful owner, we can all breathe easier and move onto less pressing matters, such as the further obliteration of the Gulf Coast.