How strong is your stomach this morning? Feeling hearty? We hope so, because we've got the full complaint filed against Us Weekly staffer Timothy McDarrah, who was arrested Wednesday night for soliciting sex with a minor via Craigslist. The 10-page federal document is full of tender offers of sex lessons, golden showers, and a strange new technique of slapping one's face with a penis. McDarrah's desire for a "YOUNG hottie" just three years older than his own son is only readable so long as you remember that McDarrah was engaging in said talk (often from his office) with a federal agent and not, thank God, an actual child.

For the sake of public interest, we're presenting choice excerpts and links to the full document pages. Not for the faint of heart or, say, any of the parents involved with with the co-ed upper Manhattan little league, where McDarrah was reportedly a coach. Nightmarish details after the jump.

Page 1: "McDARRAH used a computer and the Internet to attempt to entice, induce, coerce, and persuade a minor to engage in sexual activity in violation of New York State laws."

Page 2: "Specified that he wanted 'sex with a YOUNG hottie. Oral on her and from her (both holes). lick/suck her little tits, watch me stroke it, and intercourse if she is willing. maybe some golden showers (her on me).'"

Page 3: "McDARRAH offered to take me, in my undercover capacity as a thirteen-year-old girl, to a movie, Coney island, or Chelsea piers. McDARRAH also revealed, in substance and in part, that he worked at a 'celebrity magazine,' and revealed that the magazine was Us Weekly. At the end of the instant message "chat," McDARRAH also stated, in substance and in part, that I 'sound like a cop asking me if I like young girls.'"

Page 4: "McDARRAH... (a) offered to tutor me in 'sex lessons,' and stated that I could practice 'oral' on him, and that he would 'tell' me how to 'lick, sick, (sic) touch, tickle, etc.' (b) stated that he wanted me to 'suck [him] off.' (c) further revealed that, if I was ever 'up for it,' he would like to lay down, have me 'squat over his face and pee,' but also stated, in substance and in part, that there were 'many other sex lesson things to do before that' act."

Page 5: "McDARRAH wanted to 'have sex with [me], but [he] want[s] [me] to enjoy it."

Page 6: "McDARRAH stated that he 'may slap [my] face with [his] penis or something' and suggested that I could 'catch it in [my] mouth.' McDARRAH stated that he had 'no idea' how that was done, but that we could have 'sucking lessons' first if I wanted to do so."

Page 7: "McDARRAH asked the Cooperating Witness whether she touched herself and whether she put her fingers inside herself... McDARRAH asked whether the CW would 'humiliate [him] or dominate [him]..."

Page 8: "...McDARRAH also stated, in substance and in part, that we could meet the next day, and that during that meeting we would engage in various sexual acts, and that we might 'accelerate things' and that he would just 'fuck [me] tomorrow.'

Page 9: "He admitted to engaging in internet instant message conversations with 'Julie' from his office located in Midtown, Manhattan and from his hand held device."

Page 10: Signature page