In her weekly review of the Times Sunday Book Review, Intern Alexis goes where no sane person hath ever gone before: Deep into the letter-writing mind of Donald Trump, where writer Joe Queenan dines at an all-you-can-eat blowjob buffet. It's enough to make poor Alexis lose her mind; her one-on-one dialogue with The Donald follows.

Letters from Donald Trump

We're sure countless bloggers and bloggistas out there are peeing themselves silly over Donald Trump's INSANE letter to the editor in which he seriously bitch-slaps Mark Singer and Jeff MacGregor, so we decided to lay it out for you, internalexisstyle.

First, some gems:

Trump sez: "Jeff MacGregor, the reviewer of 'Character Studies,' a collection of Singer's New Yorker profiles, including the one about me, writes poorly. His painterly turn with nasturtiums sounds like a junior high yearbook entry."

Alexis sez: Nasturtiums? Has fake Apprentice Martha Stewart rubbed some of her flower power off on the real deal? What next? Now are you going to tell us that pigs can fly, Donald? That you think Joe Queenan is a respected and accomplished writer? Wait a minute — what do we have here...

Trump sez: "The highly respected Joe Queenan "; "This was high praise coming from an accomplished writer [Joe Queenan]"; " I'd gladly take Joe Queenan over Singer and MacGregor any day of the week it's a simple thing called talent!"

Alexis sez: OMG!

Okay, enough of that. Now here's a look at why we are very similar to Donald Trump:

Trump sez: I've read John Updike, I've read Orhan Pamuk, I've read Philip Roth."

Alexis sez: So have I! Except not Orhan Pamuk.

Trump sez: "The highly respected Joe Queenan "; "This was high praise coming from an accomplished writer [Joe Queenan]"; " I'd gladly take Joe Queenan over Singer and MacGregor any day of the week it's a simple thing called talent!"

Alexis sez: Just like Donald Trump, I too did not write this letter to the editor. And also, just like Donald Trump, I am not actually Donald Trump, but in fact, Joe Queenan.

Trump sez: "When Mark Singer enters their league, maybe I'll read one of his books. But it will be a long time he was not born with great writing ability. Until then, maybe he should concentrate on finding his own 'lonely component' and then try to develop himself into a world-class writer, as futile as that may be, instead of having to write about remarkable people who are clearly outside of his realm."

Alexis sez: One time Mark Singer wrote an article about me and some pests that lived in my bed. And regardless of whether he was depressed or not when he interviewed me, I came across as a spoiled, like, retard. So: I totally empathize with you, Donald! I know what it feels like to be remarkable! I know what it feels like to be clearly outside of Mark Singer's realm! Yo, Donald, checkkit: Mark Singer and Jeff MacGregor, you're fired.

This image was lost some time after publication.

And finally, on the Letters page, right next to Trump's screed, is an
ad for a book called "The Mistmantle Chronicles," which includes the image at right. Then, when we were distracted because we have adult A.D.D. and couldn't finish the review because we were hypnotized by this image, something clicked for us. Clearly, this big, blue-eyed, sword-carrying squirrelhamster wrote the letter. The end.

Essay: Dangerous Characters
by Benjamin of Kunkeltown

After a glowing front page review of his novel "Indecision" only a bunch of weeks ago and a glowing tribute to his journal, n+1, in this week's Magazine, we were feeling a bit Ben Kunkeled out when we saw his three page essay on Post-9/11 terrorist fiction. But then we were reminded of his author photo and decided we would let him Kunkel us all over town if he wanted.


Children's Books for Twatty Kids

Obviously, the children of NYTBR readers are all a bunch of precocious little fucks. But, OMG, to devote the two-page children's books section to reviews of art and design books for children, well, sign our daugther up for Swahili and color us shocked — we did not realize just how precocious the kiddies have gotten. In the first review, Emily Jenkins tackles two books that attempt to convert little pups into art-appreciators. In "I Love You Dude," for example, author V. Radunsky "invites children to consider the history of paintings they might see on a museum visit, and also pushes them to look at art separately from the artists who created it. His story asks questions about the nature and validity of art appreciation, and above all involves children by giving a painting a personality of its own." And then, according to Nicholas Blechman and Christoph Niemann, "'A Book About Design: Complicated Doesn't Make It Good,' by Mark Gonyea, is the only current title that effectively deconstructs complex principles of graphic design for children, many of whom are avidly interested in the subject.'" Barfola. As a child, the only thing we were avidly interested in were scratch 'n sniff stickers, Chinese jump ropes, and pictures of koala bears.

End note: It was also bold-faced name city in the NYTBR. We're too lazy to comment on all of them, but all the hot young literary thangs had reviews: in addition to Kunkelhead, there was Alexandra Jacobs, Dave Itzkoff, Nathaniel Rich, Suzy Hansen and Amy Sohn. (But where was Rachel Donadio????) Let's hear it for the young and well-connected!