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Welcome to the first weekend of the Fall movie season, that post-Labor Day cinematic Siberia, when studios hope for little more than moviegoers not actively picketing the theaters showing the crap they've pooped out into the world. Fight off your ambivalence and attend the talkies in exactly these numbers:

1. The Exorcism of Emily Rose—$17 million
You probably never would've guessed it from the horror-centered (boo!) advertising campaign, but half the movie is a courtroom drama in which Laura Linney defends a priest (not that you care, but potential SPOILER ALERT) after a failed exorcism. Fun, right? So if you're really craving some head-swivelling, demonic-crab-walking, pea-soup-projectile-vomiting action, maybe you should rent The Exorcist instead, even if Linney looks pretty spicy in a suit.

2. The 40 Year-Old Virgin—$8 million
By the end of this weekend, even the chick who masturbated in the bathtub (quite memorably, we might add) will be getting her own Judd Apatow-directed starring vehicle at Universal.

3. The Transporter 2—$7 million
Wethinks that virtually everyone who had even a passing interest in Jason Statham showed up last weekend.

4. The Man—$6 million
Sample conversation between theoretical The Man ticket buyers:


"Dude, let's go see The Man!"

"What else is playing?"

"Nothing."

"But doood, it's gonna suck!"

"It's either that or we have to go through with this suicide pact, dude. It's binding and shit."

"Can we get totally high first?"

"Of course we can!"

"Alright, but I'm still not gonna like it!"

5. The Constant Gardener—$5 million
It's sad that this will probably finish below The Man, but hey. Snakes on a plane.