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Ah, if only The Onion were a real newspaper and not a stalwart of satire. Then their latest "news" of Us Weekly editor Janice Min's launch of Us Quarterly would be a wet dream come true. Fantasize with us for a moment:

The quarterly will feature in-depth essays, investigative pieces, and expert commentary on Hollywood's hottest megastars.

"Due to the demands of weekly publication, [Us Weekly] was only able to scratch the surface," said Min, who is helming the offshoot publication. "The quarterly is a dream come true for the more serious-minded star-watcher, who enjoys pictorials showcasing Mary-Kate Olsen's club-hopping wardrobe, but craves a more critical examination of her hottest boots."

Min estimated that the first issue of Us Quarterly, slated to debut in August, will be 300 pages long. It will feature a thoughtful analysis of Lindsay Lohan's troubles on the set of Herbie: Fully Loaded, a Michael Cunningham short story inspired by the TV season's nastiest celebrity feuds, and a 20-page treatise from Oxford literary critic John Bayley mapping Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner's romantic, midnight Malibu beach stroll.

We're laughing, but we suspect Andrew Hearst isn't.

New 'Us Quarterly' to Explore Celebrity Issues in More Depth [The Onion]
If Janice Min's Magazine Looked Like Lewis Lapham's [Panopticist]