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You know what we love? Press releases, particularly those regarding arm-wrestling in the Bronx. Know what we love even more? The gimpy publicists behind the PR goodies in our mailbox, especially those who can't answer a simple question without using preprogrammed words and phrases. It's endearing, really.

In a similar vein, a reader sends an account of one flack's request for coverage of an event tonight* and, when pressed with some simple questions, the smoke-and-mirrors response. The comedy, if you like that sort of thing, is after the jump.

*We hear that a band (or bands) So Famous They Cannot Be Named (At The Request of the City of New York) are playing in Times Square Virgin Megastore from 6 - 9 tonight. Purpose: to shill cars. Afterwards, Famous Bands will play VIP show at W. Update: It just might be Citizen Cope, the Vacation, and Kinky. Jet will be playing an acoustic set at the W. We have no idea what is what, we just dutifully report.

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From: [Inept Publicist]
Sent: Monday, June 20, 2005 4:28 PM
To: [Media Outlet]
Subject: GM Event: June 21

When you have a moment, I was hoping to discuss a great opportunity for you with General Motors. Pontiac is planning a major marketing event in Midtown Manhattan the evening of June 21st. We d like to invite you to experience the event first-hand which integrates elements of advertising, entertainment, and celebrity culture into a first-of-its kind experience.

With GM putting an emphasis on creating more distinct positions for each of its brands, as well as shifting media dollars towards creative programs that reach consumers in key metropolitan areas. The event will showcase a turning point for the Pontiac brand as well as how the division will go to market in ways that will set the standard within GM but with other leading marketers looking beyond the 30 second spot.

Interested in discussing further? Look forward to connecting with you.

*********************
From: [Media Outlet]
Sent: Monday, June 20, 2005 4:32 PM
To: [Inept Publicist]
Subject: RE: GM Event: June 21

Not a lot of notice of this, [Inept Publicist].

Is there an interactive component?

Please let me know the details, along with time and place, so I can ascertain if we should assign a reporter.

Thanks.

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From: [Inept Publicist]
Sent: Monday, June 20, 2005 5:16 PM
To: [Media Outlet]
Subject: RE: GM Event: June 21

It's a bi-coastal marketing/entertainment program that does include a partnership with Maximonline.com and additional programs on Pontiac.com. The event is in Times Square with a VIP party/homebase set up at The Whiskey Bar in the W Hotel. I can't reveal all of the information at this time, but it is a strong story that would be worth your reporter s time. At the very least, it will be a great party. Let me know if you want to discuss it further. Thanks.

Ah, don't you get it? This event is so secret, not even the publicist can tell you what it is. At any rate, stay clear of the W — not that you ever went to Times Square, anyhow.