This image was lost some time after publication.

A Defamer operative breaks down the gift bag from last night's LA Film Festival kickoff event, reminding us all that even if a partygoer has had a nice enough time pounding down your free liquor, all he's going to rememberis the lame sack full of mints, popcorn, and foot maintenance products you hand him on his way out the door:

Last night I attended the opening night party of the Los Angeles Film Festival at the Palladium. An exceptionally good time, marred only by the tiny cups that the bartenders used to serve drinks and their insistence on a one-drink-per-person-per-trip-to-the-bar policy. Which meant I spent a lot of time standing in line. Unfortunately, the evening met with an anticlimactic end, due to what might be the lamest giftbag in history. Certainly, it was the first time I’d ever received a tube of “Flexitol Heel Balm” as a party favor. This salve, apparently, is meant to assuage the discomfort of one’s “rough, dry and cracked feet.” What a pleasant surprise to reach into a swag bag and pull out a box with a bunch of pictures of calloused heels and toes on it. Thankfully, the packaging informs me that the Balm can be used “for general AND diabetic footcare,” so I got that going for me.

Apart from this medicine cabinet treasure, the best part of last night’s swag bag was probably the bag itself: a semi-stylish black vinyl purse with two white Target logos stitched onto it. Inside, I found the two staple products that have been included in every Hollywood swag bag since the dawn of time — a box of Tazo tea and an Altoids tin. The only other food item was a large box of Pop Secret microwave popcorn. Also included were two gift certificates, one for a free acupuncture session and one for $1,000 off laser eye surgery ($500 per eye), and a wrinkly IFC TV mousepad (Defamer readers who attended last night probably just thought to themselves, “oh that’s what that is”).

Finally, our generous hosts included a bottle of “Circle of Friends Oom Pah Pah Shampoo” which has the delightful tale of a small German child printed on one side. “Guten Tag!” it says. “My name is Hans. I live in a country that until recently was divided into East and West by the Berlin Wall.” Geographical inaccuracy notwithstanding (Berlin, a CITY, was divided into east and west by the Berlin Wall, while Germany, a COUNTRY, was divided into east and west by ten thousand Soviets with machine guns), I look forward to my next shower with my new bottle of neon blue hair product.