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We were all set for this week's Death Watch, in which we compare the page count of free satirical paper The Onion to that of the incredibly shrinking alt-weekly, the New York Press. While we easily found a copy of the former (clocking in at 45 pages), spotting a copy of the the Press has been considerably more difficult.* In fact, we're not seeing the paper at any of its usual spots: coffee shops, street corners, under the bodies of slumbering homeless folk.

Concerned, we contacted Secretary of Interior Gale Norton for comment. "The Press is one of the newest additions to our endangered species list," she said. "Our teams are only finding it in very specific regions. The Everglades still has a handful of copies." Where, then, should we go to witness the elusive Press before it becomes extinct? Norton suggests, "Try looking around wetlands. In its dying days, Press prefers to hide in boggy areas and marshes."

Just as we went to hit the "publish" button on this item, a correspondent saw a malnourished copy of the Press (55 pages) weakly crawling down Houston.