Team Party Crash: Topic Magazine Sin Party

"I can't believe how much better-looking I am than everyone else! Actually, I can."

The weather is bordering on biblical this week. So it's hardly surprising that there was a party Tuesday night called "Sin," thrown by Topic magazine, which has dedicated its latest issue to the 7 deadlies. To celebrate their reservation in Eternal Damnation, the staff toasted themselves and had this month s celebrity contributor, model/author Sophie Dahl, read aloud from her piece on gluttony. Gawker hack-and-a-half Noelle Hancock captured it all with the shuttering eye of Nikola Tamindzic. Roald Dahl's granddaughter, offensive cookies, and heroin after the jump...

Now for those naughty boys and girls who weren't paying attention, Topic is a new quarterly publication. In each issue, the magazine takes on one topic, recruits contributors to write first-person essays about it, and beats that subject senseless (bitch had it coming). Perhaps the magazine is commenting on the media's tendency to obsessively fixate on a topic, and is mimicking that parochialism for the sake of irony, or perhaps I'm just talking out of my ass.

Actually, it was Professor Plum, in the library, with the lead pipe, and all these random fuckers.

This is how hipsters do "excited."

Inner monologue: "I'm going to die in this library."

Liam and Josh were Times New Roman devotees, but Benji was more of a Helvetica man.

Topic editor-in-chief, David Haskell, tries to think up a topic for the next issue. You can never go wrong with Seaworld, Dave!

The party was held in the library of the Accompanied Library, which is trying to keep culture alive, but kill us all through lack of air-conditioning. It's hot as balls and everyone fans themselves with their hands like we've just been crowned the new Miss America. A waify Sophie talks about her weight fluctuations in Oprah-like fashion, and I instinctively check under my chair for a free car. There are many mentions of her bf-4-ever, Danny Baker, son of celebrity plastic surgeon, Dan Baker, Sr. (girlfriend knows how to plan ahead). Once she's finished reading her story, Sophie flounces out to catch a plane and the rest of us are left behind like Jews after the Rapture.

Before: Curvaceous Sophie

Now: Giving false hope to fatties everywhere.

"Yup, still better-looking than you!"

The air-conditioner in this picture was, evidently, just for show.

The woman on the left doesn't dig on the Seaworld idea. She will be killed later.

Cigarettes: Turns your lungs black and your pictures black and white. — This caption brought to you by the truth.com and my utter inability to come up with anything better.

Martha smiled on the outside, but inside she was kicking herself for forgetting her flask of Pimp Juice.

Attention, heathens. The deadly sins include: greed, gluttony, envy, sloth, pride, lust, and wrath. They're very fun and even got to star in the movie Seven, with Brad Pitt, who s greatest sin these days is being fucking ubiquitous and pretending to Diane Sawyer that he spent the last 10 years doing charity work instead of building an enormous house that he now has to sell because his lust got the best of him (heh heh — how's that for foreshadowing?). Good movie, though. And you know you crapped your pants when the dude representing "sloth suddenly came coughing back to life.

Vik's sloth eye ruined many a family Christmas card.

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Occasionally, Ned remembers how his mom gave away his Pound Puppy collection while he was away at college. And those are the nights that he drinks.

"Gap Kids was having a sale, man. So step off!"

Area Man Fails to Understand Change in Google Logo

In a nod to gluttony, the party is being catered by "Milk and Cookies," the bakery darling of downtown (because isn t everything "darling" downtown?) Some of the cookies boast immoral identifiers written in icing such as: "The Social Masturbator" and "The Incest Advocate" and "The Jewel Thief" and "The Horny Mormon." I maintain that the illustrious Hostess snack HoHos has them beat, not to mention corporate sponsorship. My only complaint is that the wrapper says that there are "3 Cakes" inside. Why aren't there "3 Hos" inside? And wouldn't you buy them more often if there were? I paid for three hos, dammit!

Freakishly bulging arm tendons: Now included in select Happy Meals.

Just found out Joan of Arcadia has been cancelled.

I ask partygoers to confess their sins. What's the worst thing you've ever done?

"A fat hooker in Nevada," says the first guy without skipping a beat.

"Heroin," someone answers.

I've gotten 13 people to try heroin! A guy chimes in proudly. A friend s little brother, girlfriends, strangers I keep a count. It s not a mission, just a pastime."

"I mean, I've committed adultery and all that, but I can t think of anything, you know, serious," says someone else.

An affable-looking guy admits, "I had sex with my girlfriend's sister while she was in the same tent with us." That ain't right, dawg, that ain't right.

One Topic editor tells me about the totally dick move he pulled on a flight back from Paris. "I was sitting next to this guy, looking disdainfully at the mass market spy paperback he was reading. And when he fell asleep I took it out of his seat pocket, ripped out the last three pages, and put it back. But when he woke up, I found that he was actually very nice. He asked what I was reading and it was To the Finland Station by Edmund Wilson. And he was all, 'Oh, what I'm reading isn t quite as literary,' and I m, like, repressing laughter. When I got to the terminal, I looked at what I d torn out and the entire book hinged on what was in those last three pages. So, yeah, that was pretty fun."

When her ex-boyfriend shows up with a date, there will be harsh words and, quite likely, some smashing of things.

"I'll bet you want my goodies."

Smell ya later!