It might be easy to dial 911, or even 311, but as our boy Russell can tell you, when you cross that dangerous three-button barrier, using a telephone can be treacherous. Heck, it's the type of thing that might even lend itself to satire.

But in the Times? Apparently so. A totally bizarro satire of Crowe's dialing woes pops up in the Times today, complete with terms like "Whassupwhassupwhassup," the phrase "now Mel is cooking with gas" and three (count 'em!) exclamation points. We don't really understand this story, and that it's in the Times is not just strange, it's confusing. We don't know who the author, Michael Brick, is either. Our suggestion: Just pick up your phone, dial 9 (if you need to), and then call 212-556-1234. Follow the prompts to reach Michael Brick and then tell him what a tool he is.—WL

Now, The 411 On The 011 [NYT]