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· High-ranking DC politicos have reportedly told networks that Paris Hilton's soft-core Carl's Jr. burger ad should only air after 10 pm. For once, we're in favor of that sort of restriction — why don't we make it so the spot can only air between 11:45 and midnight? [Page Six]
· In-depth reporting reveals that Burt Reynolds might be a repeat offender when it comes to slapping journalists. You know, if Naomi Campbell had his baby, our defense budget could be reduced to a couple thousand dollars. [R&M]
· Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are still continuing with this face-sucking nonsense, which has conveniently distracted everyone from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. There's a huge conspiracy going on here, but we're too stoned to figure out what it is. [Scoop]
· Lloyd Grove challenges actor Tim Robbins to settle their dispute with one final game of Street Fighter II. [Lowdown]