After we broke yesterday's news that NY Press publisher Chris Rohland is resigning, tens of, well, tens of people clamored to fill his Nevadan shoes. (And for shame; his body's not yet cold.) We'd like to vouch for one applicant in particular:

——- Original Message ——-
From: [redacted name of angry freelancer]
To: [NYPress Bigwig]
Sent: Monday, May 23, 2005 9:10 PM
Subject: Publisher Position

Dear [redacted],

While I still have not received your long-delinquent $150 payment for my excellent and prosaic article published in March 2004, I write tonight on a different matter entirely.

Having noted Chris Rohland's resignation as publisher at the New York Press, I am interested in applying for the position. I have many good ideas about how the paper can improve its image, attract advertisers that are not selling "happy ending" massages, and lift itself back up from the primordial ooze into which it has receded. Under my firm stewardship, the Press will never again be described as it was recently on Gawker as "the discerning homeless person's second-favorite choice of bed linens."

After the jump, this revolutionary freelancer reveals how exactly he plans on accomplishing such a feat.

Were I to take over, the paper will be such homeless person's first choice, so heavy and full of high-paying advertisments each week as to provide the most insulation of any free publication in the tri-state area. In fact, we could even print the issues on quilted paper, to provide added warmth. Two-ply. No, three.

While I have no direct experience as a publisher, I have worked in the media for over ten years and have a good knowledge of what it takes to build relationships and successful companies in this industry. As publisher of the Press I would be deeply and fervently committed to not totally screwing over and/or alienating everyone who might be interested in working for or advertising in the paper. I would foster an atmosphere where freelancers didn't constantly threaten to report the paper to the Better Business Bureau, and where advertisers like Absolut and Saab and other Swedish brands would feel comfortable placing a full-page spread without worrying that they would be opposite a banner ad for a herpes dating service. The result would inevitably be skyrocketing revenues and circulation, as well as, undoubtedly, champagne baths, high-class hookers and mounds of primo blow for the executive staff of the paper. On these merits, I feel I will make an excellent candidate.

To whom should I send my resume and references?