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This week's Look Book provides you the opportunity to mock the door guy at Crobar, rather than the other way around. (Actually, if you're the sort of person who stands on line at Crobar you deserve exactly what you get, you status-obsessed twat.) After the jump, Sarah Gray, Caroline McCloskey, and Rakyesh Satyal tell intern Alexis why they'd keep this guy behind the velvet rope. Or whatever - we don't usually read this feature.

Sarah Gray, daycare professional, professional bridge & tunneler

What, if anything, would you change about Gilbert's style?
 Since he's so gay Brooks Brothers, why not use a little 'Just for Men' (homos like that, right?) and turn that gray hair into gay hair. Then, take away that corporate tie and the $60 he spent to 'retouch' his blazer, and stick one of those precious little bindis on his forehead to complete the exotic look.


What is Gilbert hiding under his scarf?
 The Indian child he swiped along with that scarf shit from the Indian store on 23rd.

What past trauma has caused Gilbert to hate leg warmers?
 You're totally prying for a clever answer with that one, dear Gawker. Clearly, the man has some hate in his eyes. Maybe it was living in Miami, where those leg warmers would cause his teeny ankles to sweat bullets. Maybe it was something more subtle, like some subconscious spiral of free association that went a little something like this: leg warmers—>80s dancers—>Jennifer Gray—>his own gray hair—>his self-loathing, frustrated 'novelist' self. If he had had the courtesy to ask my name before rejecting me from Crobar (see below), I might also fit into that flowchart of hate.

Would Gilbert let you into Crobar?
 No: 1) I work in a kindergarten, an institution to which Crobar is apparently antithetical. 2) I'm a total tramp, which apparently doesn't earn me points in Gilbert's bed, let alone his proverbial 'book.' 3) The final straw: My thrift store blazers aren't retouched. After being rejected, I'd steal the Indian child and sell it on the black market for $240 so that I could retouch six blazers and try again every night.

Caroline McCloskey, Duchess of Suck

What, if anything, would you change about Gilbert's style?
 Seems like he's mad at me, so that's got to go. DO NOT BE MAD AT ME, GILBERT! I AM ON YOUR TEAM! Remember: A demure, closed-lip smile is the genteel hostess' best accessory. And, less urgently, are those tapered jeans I smell? Otherwise, he's aces.

What is Gilbert hiding under his scarf?
 Oh man, Gil's got all kinds of ill shit in there. A slab of fudge. The expressed written consent of Major League Baseball. A pair of children's left-handed scissors. Space Camp on laserdisc. His lucky Mexican jumping beans. And, possibly, an antique Peruvian harp to pluck while confronting the Void, twing twang.

What past trauma has caused Gilbert to hate leg warmers?
 A bad case of psychological crickets during his formative years backs in Pittsburgh. We all know how that goes. Plus, his elegance and erudition make Gilbert the natural enemy of Alyssa Milano/ Teen Steam-era fetish gear.

Would Gilbert let you into Crobar?
 Hell no. I got pit stains.

Rakesh Satyal, editor/writer

What, if anything, would you change about Gilbert's style?
 Wait — are we talking about the same picture? I'm looking at the picture of Nelson Mandela and Mother Theresa's love child. Is that what you're talking about?

What is Gilbert hiding under his scarf?
 I'm just going to assume you mean Nelson Theresa. In which case I'm going to say Oprah Winfrey.

What past trauma has caused Gilbert to hate leg warmers?
 Aside from almost having no legs at all? He was originally up for the lead role in Flashdance but lost it to Jennifer Beals. Instead, they made him sing the title song, "Flashdance (What a Feeling)." Did I mention that his middle name is Irene Cara?

Would Gilbert let you into Crobar?
 He better — I don't think a person named Nelson Irene Cara Theresa has any business preventing anyone from doing anything.