This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.

Everyone, they say, has a novel in him; it's just a question of bringing it out. For Proust, it was the taste of a madeleine that triggered the memories of his childhood and resulted in acres of unforgettable prose. For others, it takes something more exotic, something more obscure something involving Liz Smith (certainly NOT pictured at left.) After the jump, special correspondent Rachel O'Neil transports you to a War and Peace-length summary of the rotund rumormonger's recent appearance on Charlie Rose. You might want to print this one out and take it to the can with you.

I'm not getting paid for this and you're probably nursing a hangover so let's not expect too much shall we? Great, let's move on.

Charlie's third interviewee last night was the lovely and talented former typist, character actress/Post, Daily News, Newsday columnist and self-proclaimed Grande Dame of Gossip Liz Smith. At first I wondered why Charlie would allow ask a gossip columnist on his esteemed show, and then I realized the other two segments were about Africa and Russia. With a lineup like that I'd need a little gossip to get me through the hour without committing suicide too. And she's got that nifty cookbook coming out.

Here's a fun little gem included in the beginning shorts of each interview: In the book Liz says she's "really not a gossip columnist". When asked about this Liz said "I'm not a good one I'm afraid, as time has gone on, gossip has gotten so ubiquitous and all of the celebrity worship is so taken at by the bloggers and the internet and everybody's doing it" (one, two, cha cha cha). "I don't know I think there's less and less to have a scoop about, less real news, less you could really verify and so I think I've become more of a kind of social observer you know, an old crank." I'm not touching that one.

First off we tackle the all-important issue, dinner parties and the doyennes that host them.

Barbara Walters' has a flair for throwing dinner parties. She brings "a good mix" and gets people to -gasp- talk about the general issues of the day. Progressive. Nora Ephron likes to present guests with a menu straight outta old Russian novels. Barb' is a great hostess (see: caterers) but Nora actually gets her fingers dirty and Cooks! Liz' fav dinner party guests are pretty much anyone "younger and smarter than I am". And apparently they are "not hard to find." Um, can I get a few numbers?

When asked about coming here from Texas, what has she enjoyed the most:

"Meeting people who are smarter than I am" (seems to be a recurring theme here), "who aren't just talking about football and automobiles which has mostly what my life in Texas was all about. I knew it! I knew that's all they talked about.

The conversation inexplicably turned to how she was an ideological liberal. Liz mentioned she has a lot of rich republican friends who disagree with her. Good to know. One of these friends happened to be Roy Cohn.

I dunno, I was under the impression that Roy Cohn (you know, McCarthy's right hand man and general twat) is not worthy of 5 seconds of airtime. But no:

Smith: A lot of people were friends with Roy Cohn when he was here in NY weren't they?
Rose: Yeah, I was
Smith: Barbara was
Rose: Barbara
Smith: Uh I mean I know a lot of people uh because they enjoyed his, what, gossip? They enjoyed the people he knew, they enjoyed sort of how he might be influencing events around him.
Rose: I used to sit down with him at lunch and say Roy I disapprove with everything you say at lunch, I just want you to know that.

Liz goes on to mention that Roy was quite indiscreet and tried to get her to write about one of his boyfriends and say the guy was voting for Reagan. Liz reminded Roy that his boyfriend was an Australian citizen and therefore not able to vote.

Next up we have current events:

Rose: What are the big stories now, what do you find the most interesting about this city today? Smith: I think things are pretty quiet now. I feel we're sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop or something. I don't find anything going on much. I'm very interested in what the Mayor does. And I like the Mayor very much and I hope he is reelected.

She goes on to wax ecstatic about Hillary Clinton when Charlie reminds her of the Freedom Tower debacle, the Jets Stadium debacle, the 2012 Olympics. You know, the little things. Liz said," How quick we forget about everything." Don't be so hard on yourself Liz, you're 80! Memory might get a little fuzzy from here on out

Liz plugged this book twice: A Short History of Nearly Everything by Bill Bryson published by rival Random House (Dishing is with Simon and Shuster). She feels this book should be a must read. It's just great. Really. Liz said she is interested in history and the hereafter. Me too.

It's nearly over, I promise!

They spoke of Richard Burton and the stories he used to tell, including one about Noel Coward and a dwarf. That's all you need to know. Trust me.

Liz is writing her third book, a fictional novel about life after death. She figures since it's a subject we don't know anything about it's as good as any to write fiction about. When asked about the recon for the book she said, "We have to research what God must think about all of the things that have been done and said in his name," in re: the whole dying thing. How exactly she will be able to extract the thoughts of God remains a mystery. The hero of this book is a reporter.

When asked about what she wants to do before she dies: "Yes I want to finish this book." Right, the one about what happens when you're dead. And isn't it ironic, dontcha think?

So Liz loves Hillary, Mayor Bloomberg, feels blogs have destroyed her ability to scoop anything but Haagen Daz (go for the chocolate!), doesn't think anything is going on in NYC and is writing a new book about death.

I'm starting a Liz Smith Media Watch right now. I must have more of this woman. Thank you Charlie Rose for giving me a fresh perspective on an old crank. Thank you.