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An imagined conversation between Paula Abdul and her publicist (whomever that may be) last week:

Paula: Oh no, I am surrounded by rumors of sex and drug scandals! Whatever shall I do?
Publicist: Never fear, I m on the phone with Lorne Michaels right now. You ll cameo in a shitty sketch and unconvincingly pretend to "send yourself up" without addressing the actual accusations against you, just like Paris and Lindsay did. The American public will have no choice but to assume the rumors are false and you ll come out smelling like a rose. A down-to-earth, self-deprecating, no-bullshit rose.
Paula: You ll write all my lines, right?
Publicist: Of course.
Paula: Is there a drug that can keep me from slurring my speech while I say the lines?
Publicist: Unfortunately, no.
Abdul Pokes Fun At Sex Scandal On SNL (includes video clip) [MSNBC]
Earlier: Primetime Live Teases the Hell out of American Idol

LR