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This week, New York magazine's Look Book provides comic relief in the form of business student, Claudio di Blasi, and fashion showroom assistant, Ilaria Castelli. Claudio reveals that the United States doesn't have Dandop jeans and because of that he is "sorry for us." You should be, Claudio. Not because of the jeans but because we're fat and cannot leave our house without the assistance of a crane. And every night we masturbate while sobbing. After the jump, Intern Alexis gets some answers from Mike Albo, Marika Knowles, and Alexis Goldberg. —NH

Alexis Goldberg, professional intern at large

Claudio says, "I love it when she wears Marni." What does he not love about Ilaria?
 Claudio hates it when Ilaria tries to talk while he is being interviewed. She always does that. Bitch.

They're beautiful, well-dressed, Italian and, as Claudio casually dropped, live in only the most desirable location ever (across the street from the Marc Jacobs store). What is not perfect about this couple?
 Ilaria tried to wear a saffron coat with brown pants when they had very clearly agreed on mustard tops and light denim bottoms. Claudio had to smack her around a bit until she realized the error of her ways. But he was kind about it. Everyone makes mistakes, and it s not in his gentleman s manner to harp upon such things.

According to Claudio, the Pope, "looked me right in the eyes, like he was trying to transmit a message." What message would that be?
 DO NOT name check me posthumously.[I repeat: do not pretend that we have any semblance of a friendship to capitalize on the publicity of my death, you pansy atheist.]

Mike Albo, co-author of The Underminer

Claudio says, "I love it when she wears Marni." What does he not love about Ilaria?
 She can cup her hands around her L'Occitane Caf cappuccino and press down her grown-out Amelie haircut, but other than that, her little girlfriendy hands are helplessly tucked into her droopy sleeves — rendering them completely useless. Claudio ends up having to turn the pages of her Flaunt Magazine, signal for cabs, and spoon-feed her Rasberry Coulis and Tuscan White Bean Soup.
He also gets angry when she disrupts the lyrical fresco of his lifestyle. This happens when she says something that signifies she is an actual other human being, like "I need to go to the bathroom."

They're beautiful, well-dressed, Italian and, as Claudio casually dropped, live in only the most desirable location ever (across the street from the Marc Jacobs store). What is not perfect about this couple?
 They make poor judgements about the weather and sometimes their matching $3,000 cashmere Marc by Marc hoodies can't protect them from the chilly Spring evenings as they take their Vespas to Pastis or make that long, long painful journey over to Caf Gitane.

According to Claudio, the Pope, "looked me right in the eyes, like he was trying to transmit a message." What message would that be?

"My child, my irritating, overly styled, petrol-guzzling, gentri-fried Italian dipstick."

Marika Knowles, MoMA intern

Claudio says, "I love it when she wears Marni." What does he not love about Ilaria?
 Sometimes Claudio gets really sick of Ilaria. He looks at her and all he sees is this beautiful hipster with a hot job. He realizes that Ilaria is really superficial. He thinks back to his childhood in Rome, when, as a small and incredibly good-looking child, he saw paintings of the Italian ascetics talking to skulls in mountainside caves, clad only in rough hewn burlap robes, rougher and more torn than anything Yojhi Yamamoto ever dreamed up. He looks out of his apartment window and sees the glistening windows of the Marc Jacobs store, cluttered with handbags made from the skin of animals who, were he to have followed the path of St. Francis, would have been his only friends and companions.

This is when Claudio desperately searches through his closet and finally finds a humble enough receptacle-a distressed messenger bag from Anthropologie-in which to place a few necessities for his future life as a religious recluse. He leaves the Dandop jeans behind and takes instead only his Paper Denims.

"Arrivederci, Ilaria," he calls as he passes the Marc Jacobs store and sees Ilaria inside, buying shoes and blouses and dresses covered in what are, upon closer inspection, very odd patterns. "There are more things in life than looking fashionable, cool, and of course, comfortable," he adds. And he's off. The moral: God's style is pretty much like Claudio's; that's why they are together, probably.

They're beautiful, well-dressed, Italian and, as Claudio casually dropped, live in only the most desirable location ever (across the street from the Marc Jacobs store). What is not perfect about this couple?
 There's nothing wrong with Ilaria and Claudio, except that they're the kind of couple that just makes you want to impale yourself upon whatever sharp object first offers itself. They look better caked in mud and cookie crumbs than you do after you've put on your cutest outfit and most uncomfortable shoes. These are the sort of people that make New York such a horrible, humbling place to live.

At this point, it's the habit of the discontented-because-less-attractive intelligentsia to say: "but are they smart?" It will come as a relief to all of you that Claudio will probably never be able to tell us which, of the two endings to Great Expectations, is the true ending. Phew-I didn't want to know that anyway. But Claudio will probably someday invent a new theory about national origins. He says: "I love clothes. That's why I am Italian, probably!" This is a really original theory-in fact it's so original I'm not sure I completely understand it. I mean, I love clothes, and I am not Italian . . . ah, perhaps it's because I don't look as good in my clothes as Ilaria and Claudio. I say: "I love clothes, but I look kind of fugly in most of them. That's why I am American, probably!"

According to Claudio, the Pope, "looked me right in the eyes, like he was trying to transmit a message." What message would that be?
 Hey, hot stuff, want to come watch Project Runway with me in the Papal chambers tonight? It's like, my fave show ever.