Team Party Crash: Dress for Success
Plastic surgery has really gone too far.
Let's be honest, writers can't dress and bloggers work naked. So when Gawker heard there was a party titled "Dress for Success," was there any doubt we'd crash? Special correspondent Noelle Hancock and Village Voice paparazzo Jennifer Snow ride in on someone's coattails, document the sartorial madness, and relive the glory days of 227.
Wyclef Jean: What do you call a black man who plays guitar and sings?...A musician, you fucking racist!
Harry Belafonte, Dr. Ruth, Lorraine Bracco, Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons, Roberta Flak, Star Jones, and Jackee walk into a room and, no, this is not the beginning of a joke. It s a benefit for Dress for Success, a charity that helps low-income women get jobs by supplying them with outfits for the interview. I don t really know anything about fashion, but that s never stopped me before that whole not knowing what you re writing about thing — so I proceed with my usual inane questions.
Exposed bra straps are the thongs of 2005!
Can you spot the husband regularly beaten into submission in this picture?
stepped on! My hoes is pros! S'all I'm gonna say..."
What should a woman wear on a job interview? Whatever it takes to get the job! says Lorraine Bracco. Star Jones recent graduate of the Al Roker School of Gastric Bypass Surgery (cue the inevitable People magazine cover story with Star standing in one leg of an old pair of jeans) is serving as the auctioneer. The PETA-infuriator arrives in a zebra-print dress, like totally cleaving out, and poses for the paparazzi.
A German reporter from the foreign press tries for an interview. Who do you work for? Star snaps. The poor, startled reporter tries to explain in broken English. Do you have a card? Star snaps again. The girl shakes her head, not understanding. Sorry, not happening. She stalks off.
Ms. Jones, one question! I ask. (Why are you such a biznatch?)
Where are you from? Star snarls, quickening her pace as I literally try to keep up with the Joneses. I tell her. I m not talking to you!
"Ah-oo-gah!"
No zebras were killed in the making of this dress, but after this photo was taken, Star sunk her fangs into the old man's neck and sucked him dry.
Turns out, Hell does take reservations.
The Anti-Christ has two faces.
Sitcom diva Jackee — who apparently missed the 90s stop on the Subway of Life — arrives direct from 1987. She looks fabulous. I don t feel that great, she confesses to Gawker. I m doing a fat show you know, Celebrity Fit Club on VH1? I know I don t look it but I am. I m squeezed into a whole lotta somethin right now. Girrrrrlll, you don t know what s under here. You don t wanna know! I don t think I can sit down! Okay, you win. We don't wanna know.
So what was her worst job interview ever? I type 85 words a minute and I once had a job interview where this guy had me type a letter, and when I did he said, Wow, that was fast! You can t work that fast in this office! and he kicked me out. Fool!
Jackee and the white dude who kept slurring, "You're from a bogus website, aren't you?" Honey, you have no idea.
"Which way is Bourbon Street? hic!
"A Dolphin's fan? No, why do you ask?"
Shortly thereafter, Dr. Ruth arrives. Jackee and Dr. Ruth! This is fantastic. A spectacular showing tonight, folks. Just phenomenal. If Jason Hervey from The Wonder Years shows up, they re going to have to give me oxygen.
The 4 7 sexologist reveals that she s being auctioned off for a lunch date tonight. They re going to sell me for lunch! I hope that they buy me for a lot of money! she says. People like myself who came out of Nazi Germany have an obligation to participate in a good cause that gives women confidence when dressing for a job interview. Hmmm Nazis telling women what to wear? Isn't that called Vogue.
The ventriloquist's act was the highlight of the evening.
