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Fox News calls it black! Italian media says white! ABC says white! Someone will change their mind! ABC is now uncertain! Paraphrasing:

"In this high tech age, it's amazing that we have to figure out whether or not someone is taking over one of the most important positions in the world by reading smoke signals."

"Now it looks darker..."

"So and so thinks this is white..."

"Darn if this doesn't look dark to me."

"It's difficult reading the smoke against the color of the sky!"

So, your final papal update: No one has any clue what the fuck is going on.
Update 12:00 ABC says: "The six o'clock bell has people excited! We still don't know our asses from our elbows! They're just going to have to work on this for next time..."
Fox News says: "I gotta tell you, I don't have a clue." You don't say.
Update 12:04 American news calls it at 12:04 — Habemus Papam, yo.
ABC says: "There is no ambiguity here. The bells confirm what so many in that crowd had hoped. We have a pope."
Fox News says: "We're on our way!"
My roommate says: "So, does this dude start today?"
Update 12:20 Fox News is in the crowd: "Ma'm, do you speak English? No? Okay..."