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We're not going to dwell on the details of how sister site Gawker came to attend the "Time 100 Party" (oral) and breathe the same gold particle-infused oxygen specially imported for the respirating pleasure of their Most Influential Whatevers. We're going to skip to the good part, when our colleague accosted Viacom co-president Les Moonves, the man who will one day enslave us all, and enjoined him in idle chit-chat about the world-famous smile that makes hungry crocodiles weep with inadequacy:

I introduce myself and he is most certainly familiar with Gawker and Defamer (he reads the latter whenever he’s mentioned on it, he says, which means, like, every five minutes). After I warm him up with my womanly charm, I ask the real question: “Whitestrips or Brite Smile?” “I don’t know the difference,” he says, clearly confused. “Really? You have the most faaabulous smile on earth!” Now he loves me. “I just want to know where you bought it!” He laughs and tells me to ask his wife. I think this means Brite Smile.

Has it been five minutes already? We kid. Of course, when Mr. Moonves deflects such a question Julie Chen-ward, he genuinely wants us to interrogate his CBS war-bride; Chen descends each night into the basement of the couple's mansion to retrieve only the shiniest teeth from the disgarded bodies of "disinvited" Big Brother houseguests for inclusion in the heart-stopping, alabaster mosaic that is the Moonves smile.