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Britney Spears just wants MJ to be happy, OK y'all? This whole child molestation trial thingy has probably got him kinda depressed, like when Details pussied up Britney's man and put him on the cover in some, like, clean clothes. Spears has just the thing to turn that surgically-installed frown upside down!

"He needs someone to be like, 'OK, let's buck you up, let's give you a moustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man.'

Yeah! Let's get Jacko liquored up right now and let him get in some dude's face in a bar, and maybe he'll even get so mad he'll whip it out and have a barber-pole measuring contest! The moustache thing's probably going to be a little harder, since he had the hair-growing parts of his face bleached/sliced off ten years ago, but let's totally do the part with the drinking and the bar fight! And afterwards, if he's still up for it, we can all go out for some child actors.

Related: Gawker gets the "Exclusive" Transcript of Jay Leno and Michael Jackson’s Accuser