WGA Inside Baseball: Dan Petrie's (Fake) Top Ten: UPDATE
Since our well of jokes involving a certain pop-star defendant and the inappropriate application of a name-brand cooking oil has momentarily run dry, we're happy to pass along yet another e-mail that's been circulating through the WGA's membership. This time, a jokester has assembled a top ten list of reasons that WGA West president Dan Petrie signed his colleague's signature on a letter to the judge...[snore] Oh, what were we saying? Right, the list follows. (And we hate to ruin a joke, but Petrie did not, in fact, author the list, but we suspect that many of you aren't going to read to the end.)
UPDATE: In the interest of "equal time" on this issue (there are surely enough snores to go around for those not haggling over WGA dues and whatnot), we've posted an additional top-ten list, submitted by an anonymous reader. Also, it's funnier. The minutiae of internecine disputes has never been so riveting!
Dear writers,
As you may have read in the trades, last week, as President of the WGAwest, I added WGA East President Herb Sargent's signature, to a letter I sent to Justice Grodin, the judge both guilds had agreed upon as a mediator in the current dispute. My actions have been taken out of context, and in the interest of bringing the guilds together, I'd like to offer my top ten reasons for forging Herb's signature:
10) I didn't actually sign his name, I just used an electronic signature we had on file from some other letter.
9) I faxed Herb the day before and told him he had 24 hours to sign it. When I didn't hear back, I naturally assumed he’d authorized me to use his signature.
8) Oh, TYPICAL, now the East is resorting to FOUNDED accusations.
7) There's nothing in my letter to that Judge that Herb should have objected to. I swear.
6) In one year, the West has had three different Presidents, but I’m the only one who could do Herb’s signature. They got the right man at last.
5) I’m trying to unite writers, on both coasts. I thought sending out the letter jointly would help.
4) Spelling Mona Mangan’s name was just too difficult.
3) My psychic told me that David Begelman said it was ok.
2) We inadvertently timed this mediation to conflict with the East’s CBS and ABC news negotiations, and I thought my signing both names would save Herb some time.
1) I needed someone's name on the letter that the judge could trust.
— Dan Petrie
(well, maybe not actually Dan Petrie, but a friend of mine has Dan's electronic signature on a different letter. From before. So that's ok,right?)
Whew! If we ever get to join the Guild, the first thing we're going to do is see the doctor for the first time in five years. But the second thing we're going to do is get all whooped up over this signature business.
UPDATE: Oh! Good! We have someone else to get whooped up for us:
Top 10 Reasons the WGAw affixed Herb Sargeant's electronic signature to the letter:
10. Herb specifically picked the mediator who was being requested and Dr. Phil wsn't available.
9. Herb's job required that he, as an officer of the WGAe, agree to everything in the letter, which he had.
8. Herb's arm isn't 3000 miles long to sign it himself and his ego can't hold a pen.
7. As everyone knows, there are no actual writers in the East, so someone in the West has to write everything out for them.
6. The WGA East can't afford to buy pens.
5. The judge isn't psychic.
4. Who cares? Honestly, who the hell cares?
3. Herb is harder to get a return call from than Osama bin Laden.
2. Herb's still grieving over the Yankees season and can't return a simple phone call or letter until they win another World Series.
And the number one reason -
1. If the WGAw hadn't affixed Herb's signature to the letter requesting a mediator to resovle the dispute on behalf of both guilds - Herb would have been furious.
