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After the sister of the accuser in Michael Jackson's child molestation trial took the stand and revealed Jackson's extravagant gifts and the sharing of Diet Coke cans that may or may not have contained Jesus Juice, it was time for "John Doe's" brother to give his testimony on Monday. Things quickly got creepy:

"I saw Michael's left hand in my brother's underwear and saw his right hand in his [own] underwear," said James, now a 14-year-old in the ninth grade. "He was masturbating. He was rubbing himself." [...]

Two days later, James claims nearly the same incident occurred. He left the main house and took a golf cart to get some chocolate from Jackson's theater. When he returned, he again observed Jackson masturbating with one hand while the other explored the other boy's underwear, according to James.

We fear that the boy's damning testimony might prove inadmissible due to obscure provisions of Neverland's Ranch's Byzantine legal code. An excerpt from a possibly relevant bylaw: "If a guest of the Ranch witnesses potentially inappropriate contact involving the Chief Executive of the Rubberhead Club and an underage member on two different occasions, and then uses the Rubberhead Club chariot to retrieve chocolate from a different part of the Ranch, the statute of limitations on the alleged inappropriate contact shall expire immediately, or upon completion of the contact in question, whichever occurs first." Sure, the language sounds oddly specific, but it's exactly this kind of legal aforethought that keeps abuse complaints at a fiscally acceptable level.