Team Party Crash: My Big Fat French Book Signing
Ms. Guiliano wears her part on the left side. Yeah, that's the Crip side.
When we found out that Special Correspondent Noelle Hancock hailed from Houston, Texas — a city that Men's Fitness has deemed full of "The Fattest People in the Country" the last four out of five years — it was only natural we send her to cover last night's book party of the latest diet book to hit the NYT Bestseller List, French Women Don't Get Fat. (Hey, anything that knocks He's Just Not That Into You down a few notches gets the Gawker seal of approval.) With the eye of photographer Nikola Tamindzic, Noelle goes in search of both Frenchies and fatties.
Attendees discuss the difficulties of reading while dizzy with hunger.
This woman can't fathom how anyone eats faux beurre!
The people of France: First they bring us the Statue of Liberty, then the bidet, and now they offer up their stay-in-shape secrets! It's always give, give, give with them, isn't it? The frogs are attempting to de-chunkify the only nation in the world where even the homeless people are fat with their new book, French Women Don't Get Fat. (French men, of course, are another story as anyone who remembers the Gerard Depardieu Era can attest.)
This woman may or may not be French, but her smirk is universal.
"Diane, I'm going to let you in on a little secret: Berets are about to go public. Call your broker."
Author Mireille Guiliano, a native of France, now lives in New York where she serves as the CEO of Veuve Clicquot champagne (every night she pours some out for all of her bitches and homies who never made it out of the 'hood). Last night, she dropped by the 92nd Street Y to chat with the masses. I arrived expecting the confluence of every Jenny Craig meeting in greater Manhattan perhaps someone sitting in the back eating Fig Newtons by the sleeve, possibly while sobbing, maybe some blaming of the mothers. ("I learned it from watching YOU, Mom, I learned it from watching YOU!!!") However, everyone is surprisingly thin! What is this fraudulence!?
French women don't win staring contests.
Aren't fat people fucking hilarious?! Stupid porkers!
Author Mireille Guiliano does her best American accent.
Take a moment and study Mme. Guiliano. She is much, much better than you.
Early into the affair, Ms. Guiliano starts reading from "zee book," offering tips like: Don't eat while standing up. Eat with all five senses. Make all of your own food. Exercise portion control. Blah blah blah. One women raises her hand and thanks Ms. Guiliarno for "giving me my life back." Uh oh. This is dangerously close to becoming a QVC testimonial. Any minute Jessica Simpson and Judith Light are going to show up to talk about Proactiv.
"If you stupid Americans would stop eating babies, you could easily drop a few pounds."
In between health-conscious topics, party-goers discuss Desperate Housewives. The woman on the left thinks Teri Hatcher is overrated.
These woman are fighting fat...together.
Another woman praises the book's excellent leek soup recipe. At this point, I tune out and start thinking about Martha Stewart, who reportedly lost 20 pounds at that Camp Cupcake prison of hers. I've got 2:1 odds that there's a Martha Stewart Living at Rikers Diet Book in our future. Any takers?
This is our Grandpa Spanky. Back in his day, he didn't care if the girls were fat or thin, so long as they were cooking his dinner.
Hair by Graydon Carter for Fantastic Sam's. Oh, we're kidding — this is Grandpa Spanky's mistress!
10 minutes later, she realizes she's late for the Sleater-Kinney show.
The Q&A and book signing are followed by a Veuve Clicquot reception, but I won't assault you with my sex-in-the-champagne-room jokes. I already wrote em on Monday.
Behold the only happy woman at the affair. Her self-confidence will be wrecked by the end of the night.
And yet her glass has nary a lipstick stain.
In exchange for Guiliano's golden signature, these women promise the author that they will never eat again.
After this photo was taken, the one in the middle dumped a spit bucket down the front of her blouse and everyone headed to the Hitching Post. Good times!
