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Dear Paris,

Hey Punkin, how are you doing? Okay, well, you might want to sit down. We re not sure if you heard, but your Sidekick (that s the pretty crystal-encrusted magical talking device you re always using) got hacked by some mean, mean men, who then posted your notes, pictures, and address book on the internet. Now all of your quasi-famous friends private numbers are being deluged with prank calls from around the world, and people are pretty pissed. Even Samantha Ronson hates you. We re sorry to be the bearers of bad news, but you need to know.

Listen, hey, calm down. Don t let Tinkerbell see you cry. Here, use this handkerchief to dry your tears it s from Hermès, it s safe. You re safe. You re amongst friends.

We want to apologize, Paris, for our gleeful hand in the spread of your personal information. Most of us were raised on the streets or in homes of full of neglect, and we're just desperate for some love and attention. But the FBI doesn t care about redacted numbers, and we re still cold and alone.

Honestly, we re just curious about your life and what it is you do all day. Your notes drip with laudanum and genius; your phone book reads like a cast list for an E True Hollywood Story. We re looking for insight, Paris, and understanding. We really we love you so much and we just want to be as close to you as possible and we totally can t help ourselves and your life is so awesome and your clothes are so pretty and that s hot it s all hot we want to be hot like you Paris just like you.

We re sorry, darling. We re so, so sorry. This will all go away soon. Just go back to sleep.

xoxo,
Gawker

P.S. Hey, isn t it funny how this maelstrom hit just as the trailer for your new movie came out? What a crazy coincidence!

The Sidekick Saga