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Disney is inching ever closer to finalizing their divorce from Harvey and Bob Weinstein and returning Miramax to the low-budget, indie roots that are now paying dividends at Old 'Max-style specialty studios like Fox Searchlight. Replacing the brothers, however, will be their most trying task:

Disney's biggest challenge will be to find a new Miramax chief with the creative instincts of Harvey Weinstein and the business savvy of younger brother Bob, whose hugely profitable Dimension Films label produced such valuable franchises as "Spy Kids," "Scary Movie" and "Scream."

Somewhere deep within Disney headquarters, Michael Eisner is overseeing the cultivation of their potential Miramax super-executive, an abomination whose fragile life was started in a Petri dish with the recovered DNA fragments of Hollywood legend Lew Wasserman and the Marquis de Sade. Once they can finally train their monster to stop beating their PAs to death and feasting on their disembowelled remains, they'll begin training it in the Weinsteinian art of negotiating final cut from directors by offering a choice of net profit participation or a hearty round of skull-fucking.