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While the FBI is reportedly looking into who hacked Paris Hilton to pieces—erm, who hacked Paris Hilton's Sidekick—no one has yet to look into the Paris Hilton-Al Qaeda scandal which we are literally trying to create out of whole cloth.

Paris Hilton is the perfect sleeper (and not in the way you think, perv). Look at the evidence we're inventing: she's an international traveller, flush with cash, operating under the ultimate cover as a wealthy socialite. Furthermore, the fact that she dresses provocatively and has appeared in a sexually explicit home video creates the impression that she is definitely not a fundamentalist with terrorist tendencies. Plus, who'd believe she could be mean enough to kill anyone?

And then there's the completely fake photo of Paris and Osama bin Laden which we made in about ten seconds.

But most damning is the exhaustive examination of Hilton's Sidekick records and the hard drive of a computer used by Al Qaeda operatives recovered by The Atlantic in September 2004. Together, these prove... nothing.

After the jump, a side-by-side look at Paris Hilton's hacked Sidekick and the Al Qaeda hard drive. We'll stay on top of this important breaking story as we continue to imagine updates.

Paris Hilton's SidekickInside Al-Qaeda s Hard Drive
Buy a lap top
Ron perlman 212[redacted]
1 a start fininf band members and dance class work out
Jennifer goldman in ny for weekend 310 [redacted]
John diamond cuffs are in with H. Need stuff back
Charlie muirhead coming to la this weekend
Nicole lenz in ny
1 brett coplin playing 323 [redacted]
In casey 503 [redacted] whisky 503[redacted]
Peter lopez phil maloof nov 14 new years eve special big $
Fred prince call dj am wire money		5- Why did you buy a new fax for $470? Where are the two old faxes? Did you get permission before buying a new fax under such circumstances?
6- Please explain the cell-phone invoice amounting to $756 (2,800 riyals) when you have mentioned communication expenses of $300.
7- Why are you renovating the computer? Have I been informed of this?
8- General expenses you mentioned amounted to $235. Can you explain what you mean?
What do you think kristen
Did she learn her lesson?
Welsome back to gamma? I think gamsy wants a little kiss
Its a gamma tradition
Gamsy is waiting		I pray to God after having granted you success in destroying the dead, deaf, and mute false gods that He will grant you success in destroying the living false gods, the ones that talk and listen. God knows that those [gods] pose more danger to Islam and monotheism than the dead false gods. Among the most important such false gods in our time is the United Nations, which has become a new religion that is worshipped to the exclusion of God.
Carsondaily said to document everything guy said next truth or dare have cams at all times making if the club get carson number new years special for nbc or abc702[redacted]Highly esteemed Leader of the Faithful, Mullah Muhammad Omar, Mujahid, May God preserve him
1- We treasure your message, which confirms your generous, heroic position in defending Islam and in standing up to the symbols of infidelity of this time.
Call gary shandlin get tape of everythingGod reward you for me. If I am a martyr I will ask God's forgiveness for you. I hope for God's mercy..
naomi Do you wanna leave soon, ill pretend I hsve 2 go pee and u wait 3 mins than come by yourself to the back entranceBy the time you receive this will, I will be in the craws of birds, God willing, after having performed a martyrdom operation against the country of infidelity. This operation, God willing, will turn the tide for Islam and Muslims.