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Hey, Details, can you hear us? Stay away from the light, Jane! W, you have GOT to hang in there — don't give up on us now! Not to overreact, but we're rather concerned for the well-being of Fairchild employees after they endured their own St. Valentine's Day Massacre. A concerned insider reports on the collective psychosis:

There was some major Valentine's day overkill at Fairchild, which included the distribution of "I ♥ FP" t-shirts and tattoos, the showing of romance movies on tv screens on every floor, heart-covered cupcakes for all, and e-mails every hour from different employees saying why they LOVE Fairchild in order to qualify for free giveaways... For example:

"Meredith loves Fairchild because: they give away free stuff on Valentine's Day! No seriously, I love Fairchild because we work harder and smarter than anyone else and have fun while we're doing it."

"Eric loves Fairchild because: Fairchild embraces my willingness to work hard, learn and grow and rewards and appreciates me for my service!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

How can you use that many exclamation points and not be completely sincere? And/or insane? Someone has got to help these poor dears before they commandeer a belltower or something.