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Because the Times simply will not allow you to forget that today is Valentine's Day, a rundown of the romantic inundation that should have every single girl on suicide watch:

Historically Incorrect Canoodling
For all the hand-wringing about how modern Americans have separated sex from love and devalued marriage, Valentine's Day is a reminder of just how romantic we are.

The New Arranged Marriage
Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking Incorporated's fees begin — begin! — at $20,000 for an initiation fee, plus $1,000 for a one-year membership that includes 12 dates. That also includes a background check and a home visit, during which Janis spends time with the client, to get a sense of him and verify that he is who he says he is (i.e., rich or very rich). Her image consultant also comes to inspect his wardrobe and, if necessary, make plans to revamp his look.

Much, much more love after the jump.

Love Lit 101
I once had a crush on a guy who told me he was reading great works of literature from A to Z, and had gotten as far as K. So I went to a bookstore and picked out classics from L to Z and sent them to him. I couldn't find one for X, so I stuck in a tape of "The X Files." He liked the present, but the romance never went east, west or north. Just south. [Ed: You didn't think Maureen Dowd wouldn't have something to say, now did you?]

I Love Them, I Love Him Not
The holiday of lovers has been transformed into something very different for many parents these days. That's little wonder: for many couples, love itself has been transformed by the passage into parenthood.

Be Mine, but Not Tomorrow
She didn't want to share her big moment with the hundreds of women in the city who would also be getting engaged that night.
"Valentine's Day is way too predictable," said Ms. Micarelli, whose boyfriend, Mark Sokoloff, had planned all along to propose on Feb. 4. "We wanted a day that was just ours," she said.

Don't Even Ask About Extra Credit
As the students listened, some thumbed through copies of a 46-page handbook that included a brief glossary of the prostitute's vernacular, a kama sutra of sexual slang.

O.K., It's Over. So Now Let's Party.
Once a source of shame, divorce has become its own peculiar rite of passage, so commonplace that more people are looking to commemorate the occasion, even on Valentine's Day, with friends and in public.

How Many Executives Love the Colleague They're Near?
In three related surveys of well-paid executives, it found that 68 percent had at some point looked longingly at a colleague, and 42 percent had plunged into an office romance. But mix in the factor of at least one being married, and fully 17 percent acknowledged that proximity had trumped fidelity. That's where it gets dicey.

Love Doc: Kissing Is Best Valentine's Gift [AP]
This Valentine's Day, forget the flowers and chocolate. Cherie Byrd has a better idea: Learn to pucker up. Byrd, a psychotherapist who teaches kissing, thinks Americans should use their lips to speak to their sweethearts instead of their wallets.

Today In History - Feb 14
On Feb. 14, 1929, the "St. Valentine's Day Massacre" took place in a Chicago garage as seven rivals of Al Capone's gang were gunned down.

And, for perspective:

Saudis Mark Valentine's Day Despite Laws In gift and flower shops across Saudi Arabia, the flush of red has started to fade. Each year shortly before Feb. 14, the country's religious police mobilize, heading out to hunt for — and confiscate — red roses, red teddy bears and any signs of a heart. In a country where Valentine's Day is banned, ordinary Saudis find they must skirt the law to spoil their sweetheart.

Valentine's Day Comes Under Fire in Iraq
For Adel Mousa, Valentine's Day is complicating an already delicate situation with his fiancee: He postponed their wedding planned for this month and has been looking for a safe way to make it up to her.
...So, setting aside his worries as best he can, Mousa's made dinner reservations Monday, Valentine's Day at a fancy restaurant. He'll rush Rana home before dark.