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The TiVo is on the fritz, so here's our incredibly shoddy transcription of Marcia Cross's first few, damage-controlling, lez-rumor-denyin' minutes on The View:

Barbara Walters: There is a big rumor about you, that you are gay...

Marcia Cross: I'm happy!...I assume this is what becomes from being 42 and single...maybe people are looking for a reason I'm not married.

One of the other View hens: [gets right to the point and asks her if she's a lesbian]

Marcia Cross: No! I don't understand the fascination about people's sexuality... What a world we live in where that's so important...

So there you have it, a denial straight from Desperate Housewife herself. We could barely see Cross's publicist crouched behind her chair, working the actress like a very hetero puppet.

Excuse us while we retire to the bathroom, where we will castrate ourselves for having watched even two minutes of The View.