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Last night was the much-hyped, highly-anticipated, critically-acclaimed debut of ABC's InStyle Celebrity Weddings special...and we missed it, mainly because we prefer to slit our wrists in darkness, away from the television's soft glow. Thankfully, Gawker Special Correspondent Rachel was available to subject herself to the viewing on our behalf, if only to report on the appearance of Star Jones and Al Reynolds. After the jump, Rachel analyzes Star and Al's segment as part of our continuing coverage of the 2005 Race from the Altar.

The segment opened with the story of how Star and Al met. Honestly, it sounded like a planned script, with Al waiting for cues from Star to say his one line and understanding head nod (oh, and does anyone else think Al looks just like Pootie Tang?). Al had this empty smile plastered on his face during the entire interview and Star was clutching his left hand with both of hers. Reality must have sunk in by now, and Al s not good at hiding his, I m too scared to speak face.

As you might have guessed, Star did 99% of the talking. Al did perk up when Star spoke about the 27 foot veil though - 2 feet longer than Princess Di s train, the longest in the recorded history of veils. Oooh, aaaah. Star mentioned that the train created a new term in the bridal industry: Star Cathedral Length , to which Al said Oh that s nice. Good story. Al also showed excitement when Star spoke about the dresses (sans designer name, edited for content!) worn by the fifteen B and C-list celeb bridesmaids.

Finally, we cut to the wedding. Subtlety was not in attendance: huge, funeral-style flower arrangements, 15 (FIFTEEN!) bridesmaids, two little boys ringing handheld bells screaming, The bride is coming, the bride is coming (uh, last chance to bail?), a large choir welcoming guests, THREE Broadway singers individually serenading the bride and groom before the vows were forced taken, then several long banquet tables draped with even more towering flower arrangements and enough silver and glassware to serve the homeless population of NYC. Oh, and let s not forget the massive vanilla wedding cake (they didn t specify, but this bad boy had to be at least 10 layers), with hundreds of handmade sugar flowers camouflaging the actual cake (how strangely symbolic).

Kept waiting to hear names of any of the vendors abused used in the production of this shebang and I m sorry to report that not one of Star s intended plugs made it in! You have to hand it to the editors at ABC, I noticed only one obvious cut (along with a Lot more video usage than the other eight couples featured), when Star described her long-ass veil. During their interview, Star kept referring to the unnamed designer as she, and then producers cut to video of Star in said veil (thus covering up the gap mentioning she s name in Star s plug). That s the last time we see the couple interview, as the rest must have been tainted by Star s repeated vendor name-dropping.

Conclusion: This marriage has the shelf life of cottage cheese. The only time Al looked genuinely happy was dancing with Star for the first time at the reception, possibly because that signaled the torturous ceremony was nearly O-V-E-R. Star had the wedding of her get as much as I can for free dreams because she knows her days as a married woman are numbered. Al is surely arm candy for Star s publicity machine and I m confident the lure of South Beach or the West Village will call him home soon. In the Race From the Altar scheme of things, I think the Fabian mess trumps Star and Al, as I don t see Star releasing Al from her death grip anytime soon.