The new issue of our nation's finest piece of journalism, The National Enquirer, was practically begging for our attention. Obviously, anytime we see a rag screaming "WHO'S GAY" on the front page, we're sold. And, aside from the obvious celebrity lesbians like Cynthia Nixon and Sara Gilbert, the Enquirer makes some stunning revelations in their quest to "out" practically everyone on earth:

Martha Stewart WENT ON VACATION WITH A FEMALE FRIEND!

Tatum O'Neal KISSES HER FRIEND GOODBYE ON THE MOUTH!

Kim Cattrall SUNBATHES TOPLESS IN THE PRESENCE OF ANOTHER WOMAN!

Megan Mullally and Debra Messing KISS ON STAGE!

Mischa Barton and Eva Longoria KISSED GIRLS ON SCREEN!

Cher HAS A GAY DAUGHTER!

Paris Hilton JUST MIGHT SWING EVERY WHICH WAY!

We'll all sleep a little better at night now that these evil and clearly closeted dykes have been exposed. Thank you, American Media, Inc.
National Enquirer [article not online, darlings]