We end this series of guest contributors playing Santa to celebrities and other lesser-known beings with: New York Post's Jared Paul Stern who hates Lloyd Grove, blogger Jason Kottke equally hating apartment brokers, and Eddie Hayes, lawyer/Court TV analyst, who has nothing but love for New York.

Jared Paul Stern, New York Post's Sunday books editor
 1. Lindsay Lohan: The biggest cold sore in Christendom, an eight-ball cut with Ex-Lax and a plate of parasitic prairie oysters.
2. Lloyd Grove: "Auto-Erotic Suicide for Dummies," acute gynecomastia, and a one-way ticket back to D.C. (third class).
3. Britney Spears: A Vaseline-coated ThighMaster, a non-FDA-approved female sex-drive patch, and a donkey with satyriasis.
4. Graydon Carter: A Nicorette enema, a bucket of Frederic Fekkai grooming clay, and an "I Fucked the Bush Twins" t-shirt.
5. Tara Reid: Opposable thumbs, Janet Jackson's rusty nipple clamp and "Brown Bunny: The Director's Cut."

Jason Kottke, Kottke.org
1. To NYC apartment brokers, a gigantic lump of coal hurtling rapidly face-ward until, as Mr. Miyagi says, "squish like grape." Modern medicine stopped using leeches decades ago and it's time the real estate biz followed suit.
2. A complete tune-up, lube job, and a conjugal visit with the machinery of their choice for the two Mars rovers. It's the least we can do after they discovered possible evidence of Martians and all.
3. I know, ignore her and she'll go away, but I'd like to FedEx Ann Coulter a spanking and a nice Shetland as a companion for her one-trick pony.
4. A long vacation for Colin Powell. You sold your soul to the
devil...you should use this time to try to buy it back somehow.
5. Some orange juice, cough drops, and Mom's homemade chicken soup to the U.S. media. You're looking kinda peaked there, fella. (Not so fast bloggers, that includes you.)

Eddie Hayes, Court TV Analyst
1. Ray Kelly: a medal for doing such a good job and keeping us safe.
2. Martin Scorese: a street named after him in Times Square for all the pleasure his movies have given.
3. George Bush: the grace to know that Iraq will never be what his God would want it to be and that we'll have to leave with lots of things undone.
4. The gym: a bottle of water to replace the sweat that enables middle-aged men to hold on just a bit longer.
5. NYC: bands-aids for all the little wounds it gives up every day in return for the pleasures of living here.