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Anticipating a slow news week, we asked a few media and blogging luminaries to play Santa and tell us what gifts they would deliver to five people or entities of their choosing. First up is the always affable and holiday-sluttering Michael Musto who's been writing about gossip and pop culture for the last 20 years in the Village Voice. His picks:

I'd give Paris Hilton a copy of her own book. It's about time she read it!

I'd give Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi a turkey baster (after I get it back from Star Jones and Al Reynolds).

I'd give Madonna a pair of plyers to remove the stick up her ass.

I'd give Jacko a bucket of KFC in hopes of satisfying his craving for chicken.

I'd give Victoria Gotti and her sons...whatever the fuck they want!

Don't miss La Dolce Musto's Awards for the Best and Skankiest in '04 Pop Culture [Village Voice]

Related: Michael Musto's Gay Chelsea [Gawker]