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The eminently quotable Jack Valenti has given us so much this year: tales of rape-thristy pirates, visions of evil elves, and controversial opinions on cinema. Continuing to give until it hurts, Valenti euthanizes Old Man 2004 and welcomes the New Year's bouncing baby with this memorable ghost story in Esquire's January "What I've Learned" issue, on newsstands now:

The possibility of failure is like a vagrant ghost that wanders around with you and causes you to be a little bit anxious. But it's hard to do anything that will have some measure of impact unless you take risks. If you take the easy way or the comfortable way or the safe way, you're not going to leave a big legacy.

Oooh, scary ghosts! It's going to take some real bravery not to soil our jammies when we recall this chilling story, snugly tucked in our beds on Christmas morn, waiting to see what Santa left under the tree.