In what we hope will be an annual holiday column, Bill O'Reilly shares what he loves most about Christmas in The Daily News today:

"...gay marriage, partial birth abortion, legalized narcotics, euthanasia and many other secular causes."


Wait, we misread. Those are the things that the "secular-progressive movement" knows religion "specifically Christianity and Judaism," block. O'Reilly, cunning interpreter that he is, knows that the phrase "happy holidays" conceals all of that: the drugs, the abortions, the euthanasia. (So sneaky!) If we can just put the "Christ" back in Christmas, we'd return this country to its glory (circa, 1952).

Thankfully, O'Reilly stands in defiance of this damned "secular-progressive movement" and upholds good old fashioned values like:

"...legalized gay marriage and any kind of abortion, and the age of consent for sex is 14."


Damnit, we misread again. These glasses suck! Those are the things you'd find in god-hating Canada—at least according to O'Reilly. (Watch your gay marryin', abortin', 14 year-old screwin' ass, Canada: Conservatives have you in the crosshairs.)

O'Reilly signs off his little shiv of a column with a jolly "Merry Christmas," but really, he gave us our Christmas present months ago when the sexual harassment lawsuit against him was made public. Thanks, Bill: It was a perfect fit!
Christmas haters have an agenda [NYD]
O'Reilly Hit With Sex Harass Suit [Smoking Gun]
National Day of Prayer...for the Death of Bill O'Reilly [larryflynt.com]