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Last night's Billboard Music Awards in Las Vegas was a rollicking-yet-practical celebration of the recording industry, where artistic achievement is measured by the only important criterion: commercial success. No different than any other second-tier awards show, the event was littered with Hollywood's B- and C-listers, whose endearing antics are dutifully reported by one of our operatives:

What an evening to remember. When Tara Reid was introduced as a presenter, it was so quiet in the room you could hear two mice fucking on cotton balls.

Then Ashlee Simpson (who looks like a real dummy) won best new artist or some bullshit award and she got booed, which renewed my faith in humankind. Flava Flav (who was not presenting or performing) kept standing up during commercial breaks and clogging the aisles. He should be euthanized. And while Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross, Mary J. Blige, Quincy Jones and Destiny's Child were on stage singing "Higher Ground," Paris Hilton was alternating between texting someone and putting on makeup. She looks like a retarded swan.

All in all it was a great night for awards based on record sales.

Ashlee Simpson booed lustily? There may yet be hope for America. We're off to have a good cry brought on by the beauty of it all.