Henry the Intern can barely sit still during Topic A under normal circumstances; imagine the emotion our poor slave had to endure last night upon learning that he was watching Tina's gabfest on her birthday. And what better way for Tina to celebrate her big day (28 years young!) than with the glowing teeth of Viacom head Les Moonves? After the jump, Henry reviews Tina's painful hour as succinctly as possible.

Leslie Moonves, co-president of Viacom and chairman of CBS, thinks people will watch quality shows (i.e., the "CSI" franchise, "Desperate Housewives"); believes CBS News is not biased but "clearly needs a shot in the arm at this point"; and, in the wake of Janet Jackson, advises: "Let's not be stupid, but let's not do anything that is going to push buttons unnecessarily." Moonves said he will be "very cautious" about Howard Stern and speculated if the Bill O'Reilly sex scandal had happened at CBS News, "there would have been much more of an uproar." He was disturbed by "a fairly dangerous precedent" of the FCC allowing television stations to cancel "Saving Private Ryan" due to graphic content.

Patricia Williams, author of Open House and law professor at Columbia University spoke of the unique pressures on Condoleezza Rice as an African American woman with power. While "it is extremely moving to see her ascend to that position," Williams said, it is also ironic because most African Americans and women "disagree so vehemently with her." Williams saw Rice gaze "rather adoringly" at President Bush with a "sense of dependence" and "perfect good-girlness." As for the significance of two African American secretaries of state, Williams said, "It would be a wonderful record if it were a genuine response to the constituency."

Tina asked Bill Condon, writer/director of "Kinsey," "Why was Alfred Kinsey so obsessed with sex and why did you want to make a movie about him?" I believe the answer is in the question. Condon noted a divide between pop culture, where "there is no question the effect of Kinsey has been felt," and the government: "things are as conservative there —as they are in education— as they were fifty years ago."

During the editor's desk roundtable, the panel weighed in on two losers for president in 2008: Kerry and Gore. According to Tina, "Tipper Gore is so zeitgeist" with her conservative views on entertainment and "Al Gore is from the south — he could come back as a lion." As for Kerry, Mark Katz, author of Clinton and Me, said it's unclear if Kerry can reinvent himself. Meanwhile, Senate Republicans tell James Cramer off the record that Senator Hillary Clinton is "the easiest Democrat to work with." Tina even asked if Democrats could "draft Tom Brokaw." It's amazing the camera operators can awake.

Hot picks
Katz: "The Marx Brothers" VHS
Cramer: Travel Team by Mike Lupica
Melina Henneberger of Newsweek: Elf
Eugene Robinson, Tina's editor at The Washington Post: Halo 2 for X-Box.
Tina: "Hotel Rwanda," directed by Terry George. "I loved it."

The highlight of the show was Cramer's advice to Condi: go straight to Darfur, Sudan and show we care.

Most pitiful low-brow commercial of the hour: "the once-a-day tablet for natural male enhancement."

Closing quote by HL Mencken: "Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard."

P.S. I excuse this entire episode because Tina had other things on her mind this week, such as turning 51. We wish Tina a happy birthday and hope she didn't spend it watching "Topic [A]."