Magazines are awesome, we know, but there are so damn many of the monthlies that seem intriguing, we can't decide on which pretty cover to read first. Thankfully, we have spanking-new intern Erik on the task of deciphering the shiny features in this month's big editions. After the jump, find out which titles have extra cock-suckage and which feature ample model exposure.

We begin this month s rundown of the glossies, with the November issue of Vogue, and The Mysterious Allure of Jennifer Connelly. But who really reads the text in this magazine anyway? With plenty of pages of Pretty Pieces to Update Your Fall Wardrobe, we never actually read the puff-job of the actress since we already knew what it was going to say. Jennifer Connelly is alluring, much like water is wet and Ms. Wintour a queen upon her real-fur throne; and not the kind of queen I m used to seeing on Christopher Street.

Jennifer apparently has a thrilling new Brooklyn life with her gorgeous hubby and a weird propensity for Horses. (Where the fuck in Brooklyn does she live? Horses?) Moving on. Vogue gives us a fascinating new look into the future of tomorrow s fashionistas, with Ten [New] Designers Who Will Change the Way You Dress. And what a disappointment that was. Where have all the pretty designers gone? Was Tom Ford the last hot designer? (Don t worry Richie and Traver, you re hot too!)

The only other point of interest here was a skin care article about heavy hydration and the ocean depths, accompanied by a photo of a naked woman in a meat locker selling us on the theory that If deep-sea molecules can sustain life on the ocean floor, just think of what they can do for your face. Ummm, exactly! Finally, with the number of iPod ads throughout these pages, I thought we were flipping through an Apple catalogue. I smell marketing synergy. iVogue, anyone?

Vanity Fair didn t disappoint this month either, with a cover story on that gorgeous man, Johnny Depp. It s a long road from the trailer park to 21 Jump Street to 21st century stardom. With an opening for a features blurb like that one, the article does a fantastic job of telling us how hard it is to be super hot, super rich, and super in-demand but yet again, do you really care? We just liked the pictures, and the gay innuendo of Johnny being a top.

If that s not enough, the November special investigation edition of the magazine probes the eternal question could better intelligence cooperation have prevented the [9/11] attacks? DUH! As if we had any doubt, VF as we like to call it here at Gawker headquarters notes memos, photographs, and intercepts had sounded alarms inside the CIA, White House, FBI, and European intelligence services. Then they continue to astound their readership with news about how the government doesn t work well together, is a giant bureaucracy, and that this was partially the cause for not preventing the attacks. Talk about a ground-breaking special investigation!" I can t wait for next month s political rant on the George W. Bush regime which uncovers new evidence proving that at one time W may have actually been Governor of Texas! So, exactly when did VF become so politically involved? We think evil Graydon Carter has something to do with it.

Which leads us to Gotham Magazine and the 100 Most Eligible Bachelors and no, Graydon was not on the list. Too bad this spread reminds me of a search on Nerve Personals—sorry Tom! Everyone seems to be fabulous, rich, and you guessed it, single! Too bad it doesn't give contact information or I'd be ringing up Bennet Leifer (p.193) for sure!

With the spread on hot men over, we can sift our way through the Kevin Bacon cover story, much of which is a fabulous fete of ass kissing and oral-pleasuring at the most sincere level. Kevin Bacon seems to effortlessly morph from one role to another, displaying a range that other actors envy. —I guess range is important this month... Kevin has it, Jennifer has it, and apparently Gotham does too, the best homosexual magazine for straight women.

This month, the editors have completely gone boy crazy with their annual Men's Issue of gear, gadgets, grooming, and pages of guy-friendly goods. We love, guy-friendly goods since I myself fit into that category. With well-dressed men by Calvin Klein, and balls-out bling, what more could a man ask for? Unless of course, you happen to be straight, then you're most likely not interested in rainy day fashion", "cool croc shoes", and "Breast Cancer Awareness month bling", are you?

Paper is always fabulous, with Jay-Z on the cover, amazing model Omahyra exposing herself inside, and 80+ couture book jackets made by some of the most influential designers of our time we almost lost ourselves on the spot. Good thing we have some self control.

Not that it offends my literary sensibilities, but November s Paper happens to be pages of pictures, hardly any text, and a lot of Omahyra. Did we mention Omahyra is in it? She is. I'm not going to talk about my modeling career...it's how I make my money...but that's it. Ok, then why the hell did we sit through reading half a page dedicated to your boyish, crack-skinny ass when all we really wanted to see was more nipple-action?

Not to mention, of course, the picture of Michael Musto in an orange tiger striped, velvet shirt, surrounded in his home by little plastic kitsch that would make our grandmothers or Pee Wee Herman orgasm. Although we love Michael, orange tiger print is just not your pattern. Try something a little more muted. Maybe a nice plum color? Musto confesses, I shop at thrift stores, Kmart, and Target. The Bag Man on 34th street is great. Looking at his photo, we have to admit, we're not surprised!

And last but not least on our glamorous glossy rundown is that straight-but not Details Magazine... You know, the one with way-over, tragically un-hip, and cracked-out looking Ben Affleck on the cover? Can you say Betty Ford? While talking about the press damaging his reputation, Affleck still living under a rock, concedes I think we both [Jennifer Lopez] suffered a great deal. No, silly, she's still Jenny from the Block, and your movies still suck.

Ben immediately recovers from his snafu by confessing being in movies probably increased the likelihood of my being able to get laid. I think we've just discovered who's writing those ground-breaking special investigations for VF. But he does do one thing right; he's quite vocal in his support for John Kerry and thank god for that I don't know what the team here at Gawker would do if he supported Bush... We might have to stop going to see his movies. He does still make movies, right? Anyone? Bueller? Is this guy still an "actor"? Other articles worth noting: commentary on Bush s failures, pages and pages of style advice, and reasons why guys in committed relationships prefer cuddle to coital...some are even afraid to have sex with the [woman] they love. We have a simple answer for that, and we didn t even read the article, THEY RE GAY! Either that, or they're trying to attain a certain level of mysterious allure, of which Jennifer is so fond of.