We like our Billy Crudups with a side of Jay-Z. That's why we bring you an urgent and frighteningly detailed report from West Village pub The Spotted Pig, where a multitude of sightings in a single visit causes the space-time continuum to collapse:

saw billy crudup looking scruffy but ungreasy at the spotted pig in the west village. passed by me to get to the bathroom and smiled sweetly with his ladykiller grin. very handsome, under 6 feet, and not totally petite (i'm so expecting celebs to be 4'10). then, as my friend and i were waiting for our table, he stood on the sidewalk forever texting someone and making phone calls (likely to clare or maybe pleading with mary louise about the baby). finally he motioned to people inside to join him. they joined him, and when i say they i mean the everbeautiful julianne moore and the bearded david duchovny, both dressed like they don't have a bajillion dollars—she was in a fuzzylooking coat and black pants and unremarkable comfy black shoes. he was wearing jeans and new balances. looked like mulder on a light hiking trip. they were both normal-sized human people.

But wait, THERE'S MORE...

went inside, sat down, started dancing in my seat to "can i get a what what" all while wondering, "why is this irish pub cum hip crowd hangout playing jay-z during dinner?" then i scanned the bar and saw jay z's big ol' head peeking up from over the regular-sized patrons. oh, that's why. then he disappeared. which is weird, cause the place is small. when i went to the bathroom, i peeked at billy, david, and julianne's cozy corner table (they were totally the "reservation" the maitred was bullshitting about to some poor group of 7 frenchies who wanted a big table and had to find an alternate dining solution). somehow, they'd been joined by two random guys, bart freundlich or whatever, and maggie gyllenhall (sp?) who was deep in conversation with julianne and had a sort of cute mushroom-looking short haircut. i think she looks 80 generally, but i did love her in secretary, so i can forgive all her appearances on fugginitup. lastly, a few tables over was that gay comedian who wears the suits and ties and the black rectangular glasses and his hair in a pompadour. i felt like i'd been ushered into some sort of black hole of varying degrees of fame, but i was just at the spotted pig on a tuesday at 7. weird, right? but i swear, it's true. maybe they're all working on a movie?